Friday, September 2, 2011

We the undersigned…

The White House is launching a petition page on its web site, which (purportedly) is intended to encourage participatory democracy. Since this is the Obama White House, you just know it’s got to be some kind of campaign gimmick.

Some on the right have objected to this; however, I see it as a golden opportunity to create an avalanche of public-spirited suggestions from all of us Bible-thumping gun-clingers. Let’s at least give the lower-level flunkies at the White House some interesting reading material. Here are a few ideas for some eye-catching petitions (all of which, of course, would start with the ritual language, “We, the undersigned”):

1) Demand that the President’s golf score-cards be released to the public, so that the people can be assured that he’s making significant progress in the one area where he has invested most of his time and energy.

2) Demand that the President, in order to dispel the growing consensus that he was raised in a barn, keep his damned feet off the Oval Office desk.

3) Demand that the President eschew the use of mendacity, obscurantism and pettiness in all future speeches, which eschewal will provide the twin benefits of (a) reducing the frequency and length of his speeches, thus (b) freeing up time so that he may occupy himself in the pursuit of activities less injurious to the public welfare than trying to govern (e.g., working on his chip shots).

4) Demand that the President, in order to counter mounting evidence that he is not, as originally advertised, a Christ-figure, perform an occasional miracle to restore faith in his reputed god-like attributes, such as changing a bushel of arugula into a rack of pork ribs, or, if he’s feeling particularly ambitious, adopting economic policies that would lower the unemployment rate below 9%.

5) Demand that the President, in an act of expiation for the cloth-headed decision by the ATF to permit gun sales to Mexican drug cartels, direct Attorney General Eric Holder to go door to door, in Ciudad Juárez, Culiacán and other Mexican cities, asking for the peaceful and voluntary return of the aforesaid guns. We, the undersigned, further demand that this action, so that it may serve as a genuine sign of penance, be carried out by Mr. Holder while he is attired in a clown suit.

Readers’ suggestions for petitions are welcome in the comments section.

6 comments:

RebeccaH said...

So many petitions, so little space.

Here's one: A petition to stop referring to the American people (his supposed constituents and his supposed enemies alike) as "folks". This perfectly useful word, in his mouth, has become Obamacode for "the ignorant little people who need my careful shepherding", or "those areseholes in Congress who won't do what I tell them to do", or "some other amorphous group of people I can use to illustrate a talking point".

It grates. It graaaates!

JeffS said...

Here's mine:

Michelle stops buying her clothing at yard sales and second hand stores, and moves up to Wal-Mart.

JeffS said...

And another:

For his next excursion into Flyover County, Obama leases a Greyhound bus, and actually spends a couple of days in it.

Minicapt said...

I'm fine with him remaining south of the world's longest undefended border.

Cheers

missred said...

i demand that he takes the unemployed on his (and hers) fantastic vacations. so the gun clinging little people can really embrace socialism

and laughing at minicapt's comment

Bob Belvedere said...

Quoted from and Linked to at:
Down By The Lazy River