The Gospels (Updated for Today’s Modern Political Sensibilities)

Then Obama was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. He fasted for forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was hungry.

The tempter approached and said to him, "If you are Obama the Messiah, command that these stones become loaves of bread."

He said in reply, "It is written: 'One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.'"

Then the devil took him to the holy city, and made him stand on the parapet of the temple, and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written: 'He will command his angels concerning you and 'with their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone.'"

Obama answered him, "Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test.'"

Then the devil took him up to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in their magnificence, and he said to him, "All these I shall give to you, if you will prostrate yourself and worship me."

At this, Obama said to him, "Get thee hence…Wait a minute…All the kingdoms of the world?”

“All of them.”

“Not just the United States?”

“No, not just the United States.”

“Two terms?”

“As many as you like.”

And Obama smiled, and bumped fists with Satan. “Dude, where do I sign?”