Conversations With Oscar

We’re here again with our environmental expert, Oscar the Oak Tree. So, Oscar, did you see the Democratic National Convention?

Oscar: I didn’t have a choice. The only television I can see from here is the one in the neighbors’ living room, and they were watching that crap all last week. Believe me, I’d rather be fed through a wood chipper than go through that again. They usually watch reruns of Monk, which is great because that’s one of my favorite shows. Incidentally, did you see the episode where Monk got stuck in a submarine with Natalie…

Me: Yes, yes, I saw that one, and very entertaining it was, too. Now, tell us, did you catch Al Gore’s speech?

Oscar (rustling branches furiously and scattering acorns and terrified squirrels in all directions): I sure did! Man, that dude’s a regular climate-change calliope. He hadn’t been talking for five minutes – and it was bad enough as it was, what with all the lame jive boilerplate about Republicans baying at the moon and barbecuing puppies - before he whipped out his usual worn-out global-warming shtick. He’s like some old bore who haunts the country club and, no matter what the conversation is, finds a way to bring up that damned hole-in-one he hit down at Doral in 1979. Even the people whose TV I was watching used Gore’s speech time to walk the dog.

Me: Al Gore is predicting some drastic changes. For example, he said, “Many scientists predict that the entire north polar ice cap may be completely gone during summer months in the first term of the next president.”

Oscar: So, what’s Obama gonna do? Walk on the water with his big cold feet?

Me: Gore also said, “We already have everything we need to use the sun, the wind, geothermal power, conservation and efficiency to solve the climate crisis.”

Oscar: What, he left out unicorns harnessed to turbine engines? Interesting how he always manages to omit a couple of other possibilities, like drilling for more oil and building nuclear power facilities. Look, Al Gore is just a big, pudgy Cub Scout who’s failed to qualify for any merit badges, so the only way he can hold people’s attention is to tell scary stories around the camp fire.

Me: Well, thank you Oscar for your always-interesting insights. We’ll try to catch up with you after the Republican convention.

Oscar: Fine by me; only not this Friday night – there’s a brand new episode of Monk.