Conversations With Oscar

I’m here with Oscar again to get his take on a news item sent to me by friend, commenter and freelance reporter Mojo. This video shows a group of people mourning the loss of old forest growth.

Paco: Oscar, what do you think of that video?

Oscar: Paco, I swear, I’d gladly permit myself to be cut down today if I could be sure that I’d be made into baseball bats to hit those idiots upside the head with.

Paco: So, you find this funereal rite for old forest growth to be offensive?

Oscar: I find this emotive caterwauling in the woods to be moronic. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?

Paco: But don’t you think it’s kind of touching that these people would gather to celebrate the beauty of these old trees?

Oscar: Listen; see Charlie over there?

Paco: Where?

Oscar: Right over there, across the street.



Paco: Oh, yes. What about him?

Oscar: Charlie’s got crown rot, root rot, limb disease and his hearing’s shot. I’m telling you, there’s nothing that Charlie would like better than to be cut down, made into planks, varnished and used as flooring in a new house. He’d be a new man. Tree. Well, you know what I mean. He’d be good for another forty, fifty years. In his current condition, the next good-sized storm’s likely to blow him down. Then he’ll lay there in the front yard for a week or two, like a dead brontosaurus, until the removal people come along and cut him up into fire wood.

Paco: Well, as usual, Oscar, you’ve offered us some unique insights.

Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop!

Paco: What was that?

Oscar: Oh, it’s that damned woodpecker, again. You don’t have a slingshot on you, by any chance?

Paco: No, I’m afraid not.

Oscar: Well, try to remember to bring one next time. Or a shotgun, if you have one.