The View From Paco Tower

(Written transcript of Brad Smilo's taped interview with J.P.)

Hello, this is Brad Smilo of World News Tonight, and I’ve been given the opportunity to interview that extremely reclusive captain of industry, J. Packington Paco III, whose vast network of interlocking holding companies, far-flung affiliates and secretive joint ventures has played such an important role in the development of low-end consumer products and, not coincidentally, in boosting the frequency of yard sales where his companies’ products take on a second life (or even a third or fourth).

I am here high atop Paco Tower in the penthouse home of our host, and I am standing in the…let’s see… judging by the size, this would be the living room, wouldn’t it?

No, sir. This is the foyer.

The foyer! My, my! That was Spurgeon the butler, incidentally. This is an extremely large foyer, Spurgeon. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an entryway with a stuffed rhinoceros serving as a hat rack.

It is unique, sir.

Now, what’s the purpose of this stuffed baboon? Ow!

I beg your pardon, sir, but that was not a stuffed baboon. It was Matilda, the cook. Can I get you some ice for that bruise, sir?

No, no. I’ll be all right. She packs quite a wallop, doesn’t she?

Yes, sir. No doubt her many years on the pampas hauling cauldrons, iron grills and sides of beef among the gauchos significantly improved her musculature well above the feminine average. This is the library, sir. Mr. Paco is waiting for you in here.

I’m entering the library and I must say, it’s very impressive. I once saw the library of Philip II in the Escorial Palace, and this is very reminiscent of it – except on a much larger scale. Ah, here’s our host. Good afternoon, sir!

Come in, come in! Delighted to see you, Mr. Smilo. May I offer you some sherry, or perhaps a glass of Madeira?

Thank you, no. I’ve got to keep my head clear for the interview. You wouldn’t have a bottle of Yoo Hoo, by any chance?

Spurgeon, have we any Yoo Hoo on ice?

Yoo Hoo, sir?

Yes. That chocolate drink of which Mr. Wronwright is so fond.

No, sir. Mr. Wronwright took the unconsumed portion of what I believe is referred to as a “six-pack” with him when he departed.

Well, don’t worry about it. I’m not really thirsty, anyway. So, Mr. Paco, if we can get down to business…

By all means. I like a fellow who doesn’t beat around the bush.

First off, how is your corporate empire weathering the recession?

Mwaha! What recession, my boy? There’s still one born every minute, and they don’t stop buying during recessions. For example, perhaps you’re familiar with one of our subsidiaries, the Presidential Artifacts and Collectibles Organization?

Hmm. If you turned that into an acronym, it would spell…

Yes, it would, wouldn’t it? This company recently marketed the famous commemorative Obama coins.

Aren’t those the fifty-cent pieces that simply had a sticker of Obama glued on?

Gad, sir, you’re an observant chap! That was, indeed, one of our best-selling items. At $19.95 per coin, that’s a mark-up of over three thousand percent.

But it’s widely considered to have been a rip-off.

Nonsense, my boy! The marketing of these coins was a microcosm of the election itself, an object lesson in the negative returns that accrue to one who invests in empty rhetoric. At $19.95, I’d say the lesson came mighty cheap. By the way, perhaps you’d like to buy a pair of Teddy Roosevelt’s spats, or some custom-tailored long-johns that once belonged to William Howard Taft? You can use that item as a bedspread, you know.

No, thank you, sir. Tell me, Mr. Paco, what is your view on the economic outlook?

I fear that the body politic is infected with the socialist virus, Mr. Smilo.

Won’t that be bad for your business?

Oh, no, no. It just means that we’ll have to sell more products to the government. But since our target customers have always been…how can I put this?...people who are not greatly burdened with an excess of cognitive ability, I believe that our sales may continue to grow at an even faster pace since many of these same people either are, or will be, working for the state, and so will now be making purchasing decisions of a far larger order of magnitude. Mwaha! A fool and his money are soon parted, as they say; and a fool with access to a mountain of someone else’s money is parted from it at practically the speed of light. Let’s see, now…I’m thinking fleets of battery-operated cars…disposable battery-operated cars…I’m so sorry to cut our interview short, Mr. Smilo, but I feel a creative wave coming over me; you understand, of course? Spurgeon, please show Mr. Smilo to the door. Do come again, my boy.

No problem, Mr. Paco. Thanks very much for your time. And there you have it, folks; good times or bad, you can’t keep a captain of industry down.