One Lump or Two?

The president is sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office. His gentleman’s personal gentleman – a Haitian immigrant by the name of Gustave Napoleon Toussaint D’Orleans (known familiarly as Gus) - glides soundlessly to his side.

Gus: I beg your pardon, Monsieur le President, but…

Obama: Augh! Don’t do that, Gus! You know it creeps me out when you sneak up on me that way!

Gustave: Je suis désolé, Monsieur le President. I meant only to tell you that Monsieur Emanuel and Monsieur Axelrod are here, as you requested.

Obama: Oh, good. Send them in. Gentlemen! Please be seated. I’ve got something I wanted to talk to you about.

Axelrod: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Emanuel: Hello, Barack. What the f**k’s on your mind?

Obama (sighing): Rahm, we’re not back in Chicago…

Emanuel: Oh, right, sorry. I’ll start again. Hello, Mr. President. What the f**k’s on your mind?

Obama: That’s better. Listen, guys. This whole tea party business is turning into a distraction – an even bigger one than Iran and the economy and the war on man-made disasters. So, I got this idea. You ready? WE PUT A TAX ON TEA!!

Emanuel (in his agitation, leaping from his chair and absent-mindedly performing an arabesque à la hauteur): Mr. President! You can’t do that! Can’t you see the bad vibes that would send?

Obama: Bad vibes? I don’t follow you. If nothing else, it would make it too expensive for these idiots to mail tea bags to their congressmen.

Axelrod: Mr. President, what Rahm’s trying to say is that the historical analogy would stick out like a sore thumb.

Obama: What historical analogy?

Emanuel (executing a battement frappé, while pulling his hair): What do you mean, “what historical analogy”? The Boston Tea Party was a response to a tax on tea, and helped spark the American Revolution! Where did you ever get a meshuga piece of crap idea like this?

Obama: Oh, c’mon! Everybody’s probably forgotten all about that business in Boston.

Emanuel (doing a pas de Basque in the direction of the doorway): You see if you can do something with him, Axelrod! I don’t want my fingerprints on this dumb-ass scheme! Later.

Axelrod: Mr. President, the point that the tea-party movement is trying to make is that the federal government is exercising too much control, that it’s growing too fast.

Obama: Hey, that’s not what you said on the talk shows!

Axelrod: Never mind what I said for public consumption, sir; we can risk a little honesty and candor here in the security of your office. What I’m trying to make you understand is that the idea of a tax on tea is terrible symbolism; it plays right into the hands of our opponents.

Obama: All right, all right! Sheesh, every time I have a brain storm, you guys pop open the umbrellas. Oh, and listen. Er, can you ask Rahm to at least try to resist the urge to break into his ballet moves? Last week he did something called an attitude derrière when we were meeting with House Democrats, and poor Barney Frank started to hyperventilate.

Axelrod: I’ll see what I can do, sir. Now, will you do me a favor?

Obama: What is it?

Axelrod: Will you make your dog stop humping my leg?