Chew On This

The President enters the Press Room and walks to the podium. Several people file in behind him.

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Before we get started, I wanted to announce that Michelle and I brought a doggie bag back from New York, in case any of you are interested in lobster Newburg. You’ll find it on that table back there. No, no! Please! Wait until after the press conference. Thank you.”

“As everyone knows by now, I decided to bring in new blood to solve the problems of the automotive industry by selecting Brian Deese, a 31-year-old Yale Law student, to help manage the reorganization of Chrysler and GM. Brian’s complete ignorance of the industry, coupled with his energy and the first, hopeful signs of facial hair now sprouting somewhat tentatively on his boyish face, convinced me that what America needs is bold, original thinking across the board, thinking that is unencumbered by the baggage of the past. As Brian’s efforts have shown - or will show, any day now - this strategy has worked wonders in the auto sector, and I am hoping to replicate this success in revamping our health care system. So, today, I’d like to introduce the head of the new health care task force that will help pave the way toward creating a system dedicated to solving our longevity crisis. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bazooka Joe. Joe, would you like to say a few words? Here, stand on this chair so you can reach the microphone.”



“Thanks, Mr Obama. Hi, kids! Golly, if someone had told me a month ago that I’d get to skip the whole 7th grade to head up this task force, I’d have said he was nuts. But health care is something I can really relate to. If we’d had universal, single-payer European-style insurance coverage back when Mort shoved me out of our tree fort, maybe I wouldn’t be wearing this eye-patch today. Of course, if we don’t spend a few zillion dollars, we’ll never know what we might accomplish, will we? I can’t do this big job without some help, though, so Archie and Jughead will be assisting me – mainly ‘cause I’ll need somebody to drive me to meetings and stuff. Right guys?"


"No, problem, Joe!"


"Do I get to sit in the backseat with Betty?"

"I guess, Jughead, although why you'd want to be back there with a stupid girl is beyond me. Anyhow, I’m told I’ll have some advisers who, ‘cause of the richness of their experience and their background as poor kids, will be providing me with all kinds of useful advice. Thanks again, Mr. President for giving me my big chance. Oh, and I’ll be needing that note to the principal.”

“You’ll get it, right after nap time. Joe mentioned his advisory staff, and I’d like to invite the press to take some pictures of them now. Step to the front, please Spanky, Buckwheat, everybody…”


"Say, you're just like President Roosevelt!"

“Thanks, Spanky. I’ll conclude by saying, you’re in good hands, America! They may be tiny, unwashed and covered with jam and mucous, but they’re good hands, just the same.”