Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sunday Funny

From the in-box...


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Update: A musical tribute to Obama's mom jeans.


Yojimbo said...

Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Anonymous said...

It was a brave man who first ate an oyster.


Paco said...

I figure the first guy to eat an artichoke was trying to commit suicide.

RebeccaH said...

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The Wisdom of Steven Wright

Yojimbo said...

How about the first guy to lick the head of a toad to see if there was drug potential there!

Isophorone said...

First rule of traffic: It's not who's right, but who's left!

Minicapt said...

I'm a vegetarian; I prefer my veggies preprocessed by a cow, or such.


WV: raphetic, after Dante R.