Dear Santa Claus,In a Paco Enterprises exclusive, I reprint below Santa’s response to Senator Menendez, which Santa shared with me when he dropped by last night to deliver presents and chew the fat over brandy and cigars (letter reprinted with the permission of Santa Claus).
I am writing out of concern, because you may have to move from the North Pole due to the dramatic melting of Arctic sea ice. The Navy’s chief oceanographer says that by the summer of 2020 the North Pole may not have summer ice and other scientists project that an ice-free Arctic is possible as soon as 2012!
Scientists overwhelmingly agree that polar ice is melting because of greenhouse gas pollution and I am working hard to reduce these emissions. But there is probably nothing we can do in time to save the North Pole. I am worried about your safety and your ability to deliver billions of Christmas gifts if the ice cap on the North Pole no longer stays frozen all year. What will happen to your house, your workshop, the elves’ houses and your reindeer barns?
Dear Senator Menendez:
Some blockhead has gotten hold of your official stationery and is sending me letters in your name – again. This year, it’s a load of fatuous applesauce about the North Pole melting, and an ice-free Arctic “as soon as 2012!” The warm-tard who wrote the letter obviously hasn’t been keeping up with the facts, or even looking out of his window. Dude, it’s cold out there! The writer’s preoccupation with the future of my “workshop” and “reindeer barns” apparently doesn’t extend to offering me an alternative site, which would probably piss me off if weren’t for the fact that I outsourced most of my manufacturing to China years ago (take THAT, frickin’ International Brotherhood of Elves!)
Coming on top of a letter I supposedly got from you last year, asking for a few hundred boxes of ballots marked in favor of Jon Corzine (yeah, like I’m going to knife fellow fat boy, Chris Christie), I’d say that you’ve definitely got a security problem in your office, and you ought to keep your writing paper under lock and key.
Ho, ho, ho!