Wallace: Hello, I’m Chris Wallace, and I’m honored to have a very special guest this morning: Barack Obama, President of the United States. Thanks for taking time out of your hectic schedule, Mr. President, to chat with me for a few minutes.
Obama: My pleasure, Chris. Always good to talk to you.
Wallace: Before we get started, are the lights too bright for you, sir? I notice that you’re wearing sunglasses and a Maxfli golf visor.
Obama: No, no. Er, heh, I…
Wallace: Well, I’ll try to be brief, since you obviously have some plans for later this afternoon. Mr. President, let’s touch on your press conference the other day. Many observers claim that you came across as extremely partisan and a little on the petulant side. Are you a dick, Mr. President? I mean, that seems to be the rap on you these days.
Obama: Am I a…What?
Wallace: A dick, Mr. President. Are you a dick?
Obama: What the…Did you actually just call me a dick?
Wallace: No, sir, I’m not calling you a dick. But there are people who seem to think your behavior of late has been decidedly dickish.
Obama: I can’t believe this! What…Ok, has anyone used that specific word?
Wallace: Yes, sir. Mark Halperin during an appearance on another network’s morning news program.
Obama: And what did he say, exactly?
Wallace: He said he thought you were a dick.
Obama: I can’t believe somebody, supposedly in the news business, went on television and called me a dick.
Wallace: Well, we’ve got the footage right here, sir. Roll the clip.
Obama: No, wait!
Video clip of Mark Halperin appearing on the Morning Joe show: “I think he was being kind of a dick.”
Wallace: So, Mr. President, I know it’s difficult to be objective about this, since you were the target of the remark, but…
Obama: I AM NOT A DICK! Besides, Halperin was fired.
Wallace: Ah, so you did know about this? That Halperin called you a dick?
Obama: Can we move on?
Wallace: You seem to be a little upset, sir, which is perfectly understandable under the circumstances. Although, these days, the word “dick”, used in this context, simply means “jerk”.
Obama: Oh, that’s extremely reassuring.
Wallace: It isn’t always used as slang for “penis”.
Obama: That’s very uplifting.
Wallace: Nice pun, Mr. President!
Obama: What? What pun?
Wallace: You said “uplifting”. Nice play on words. You know, penis, erection, “uplifting”.
Obama: Look, this is really getting out of hand…
Wallace: Ha ha ha! That’s a good one!
Obama: I’m not even going to touch that comment.
Wallace: Ho ho! Stop, sir, you’re killing me!
Obama: Listen, Chris, we were talking about me being a jerk, right? That’s the context. So knock off the phallic references! You’re embarrassing yourself, throwing these accusations all over the place, just plain stepping on your own…er…
Wallace: Bwahahaha! Ho…ha…ohhh…Sorry, Mr. President. Let me just wipe the tears out of my eyes…
Obama: Why don’t we talk about my accomplishments?
Wallace: I was just going to, Mr. President. Now, about the record deficit and high unemployment…
Obama: Oops! Sorry. Look at the time. I’ve got to be off to a round of…uh…Cabinet meetings. Later!
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7 comments:
Just what alternate universe did you pluck that one from, Paco? Because there's a real business opportunity there......immigration to a rational world. Or at least guided tours.
This is from the universe where Chris Wallace treats all politicians alike.
Ah. Fa.tasy Island/
Or. Fantasy Island.
I was listening to Rush during the "press conference" the other day. As has been my habit when listening to political soundbites over the last few years, my comment to the radio - more than once - was "What a dick."
Nice to see I haven't been the only one with that idea!
Most excellent!
After the Burri/Burri ticket soundly thrashes the Paco/Fred Phelps ticket in the primary, I am going to request you for the Press Secretary post.
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