Extended family ties

The Cabinet Room in the White House. President Obama has assembled his foreign policy team for a meeting.

Obama: Ok, everybody, we ought to be able to get started in a couple of minutes. We’re just waiting for Secretary of State Clinton to call in on the conference phone. I’m pretty excited about today’s topic. The Center for American Progress is floating a radical new idea for establishing peace in the Middle East. Something called Operation Isn’trael.

Personal secretary [popping her head in the door]: Mr. President, there’s a call…

Obama [testily]: Well, put her through!

Secretary: No, sir, it’s not…

Obama: What do you mean ‘no, sir’? We’ve been waiting for this call. Put it through!

Secretary: But, sir, it’s not…

Obama: Put. It. Through.

Secretary shrugs and withdraws. A moment later the telephone on the table buzzes. Obama hits the speaker button.

Obama: Welcome, Madame Secretary.

Deep male voice: H-e-y, Bar-ryyyyy!

Obama [suddenly appearing ashen]: Wha…?

Voice: Barry! This your old uncle Onyango!

Obama [nervously looking at his assembled colleagues]: Er…who?

Uncle Onyango: Don’t start puttin’ on airs, young man. This is me, your favorite uncle!

Obama: Uh, I’m waiting to take a call from the Secretary of State.

Uncle Onyango: Haw, haw, hawwwwwww! You thought it was your secretary calling? You always were a little mixed up, ever since you was a little fellow.

The President’s counselors stare fixedly at their notebooks, a handkerchief or two being withdrawn from pockets in order to suppress chuckles artfully converted into polite coughs.

Uncle Onyango: Anyhow, I got into a little trouble here in Massachusetts. The local cops pulled me over for DWI…By the way, you know what your father used to call that? Driving While Inspired! Haw, haw hawwwwww!

Obama: Listen, I don’t know who this is, or how you got through, but…

Uncle Onyango: Oh, so that’s how it is, is it? I call on my favorite nephew to help me out with a little thing like making bail, but he’s a big shot, now, don’t want to help his poor old Uncle Onyango…

Obama: Look…

Uncle Onyango: You rakin’ in the money from those fundraisers, Barry – millions of dollars! – but you can’t find a few bucks to help me make bond? You know, I’ve been living in this country for decades – even bought my own social security card! – so, if you don’t want to put it on a family basis, how about this? You’re the president. And since I got me a social security card, that makes me a kind of ‘almost’ citizen. And, from what I see in the papers, you sure ain’t hittin’ on much in the accomplishment department, so here’s your chance to do something – what do you call it? – tangible, yeah that’s it, something tangible to help out one of your fellow almost-citizens.

Obama: All right, all right! I’ll wire the money.

Oncle Onyango: Hawwww! I knew I could count on you! Say, Barry, how ‘bout this? When I get out of this little legal jam, I’ll drive down to Washington, you an’ me go a road trip. Oh, is there a liquor store near your place? We’ll want to stock up before we go. Or I can bring some from the store where I work; but I’ll need some more upfront money. And maybe we can take that brand new bus you bought.

Obama: I’ll be traveling. Overseas. To Mongolia. Bye! [Turning to colleagues] Heh. I don’t know how it happens, but every now and then some prankster manages to get through to the White House.

The advisors murmur sympathetically. Suddenly, the president’s personal secretary sticks her head in the door again

Secretary: I’m sorry, sir, but there’s another call…

Obama: Finally! Put Mrs. Clinton through…

Secretary: But she’s not…

Obama: Dammit, who’s in charge around here? Transfer the call!

The telephone on the table buzzes again. Obama hits the speaker button.

Obama: Hillary, we were just getting ready to begin …

Female voice: Barry?

Obama: How dare you address me that way!

Female voice: Why not? I been callin’ you that since you was a baby.

Obama: Wait! Who is this?

Female voice: This your old auntie, Zeituni! Listen, I heard that drunk rascal Onyango was plannin’ on callin’ you up and askin’ for bail money. Don’t you be wastin’ money on that old reprobate! If you got money to throw around, why don’t you help me get out of this public housing project…

Obama: Ok, this meeting is over! We’ll reconvene later this afternoon. In the Rose Garden. I’m pretty sure there are no phones out there.