"There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible." -Auberon Waugh
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The final nail in Rick Perry’s political coffin
The man has insulted North Carolina barbecue. Under the Paco administration, this will qualify as slander, possibly as a hate crime.
So, just how often do you eat 4 day old possum road kill? Is this a Burri family Thanksgiving tradition? Do you wash it down with a bottle of Thunderbird, or - if Thunderbird is temporarily unavailable - a glass or two of Wollersheim Chardonnay?
Ok, Steve, I'm calling b.s. I know people from Wisconsin. My best friend's family is from there. His late grandfather was born in Peshtigo. And when he came down occasionally during the 70s to visit his son and grandchildren, who were then living in North Carolina, we'd sit around the kitchen table - typically devouring some vinegar-based pork barbecue sandwiches (a favorite of the old man's; "much better than that slop from Texas," he'd always say) - and he'd tell us stories about when he was a young man, trying to keep body and soul together during the Great Depression. He told some pretty hair-raising tales of those hard times, and one night I asked him, "Gee, Mr. Ewald, were you ever so broke that you had to eat road-kill - say, for example, 4-year-old possum?" He smiled, and said, "Why, no, young feller. No matter how bad things got, we never had to do that; that would be like eating Texas barbecue - you know, just one step removed from cannibalism. Whenever we didn't have enough money to go down to Jablonski's Grocery Store and Accordion Mart and buy food, we'd just go into the woods and pluck wedges from the wild cheese bushes that grew thereabouts, and wash it down with a cool drink from the natural Schnapps spring over by Polka Hill."
Sorry, buddy, but you have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on me.
The only reason you get up earlier is because you are in an earlier time zone.
Why do you think your friends' grandfather is his 'late grandfather?' 'Cause that there N.C. pork BBQ done 'im in!
And... Ah, yes, the Ewalds from Peshtigo... Back in 1871, the then young Grandfather Ewald was playing with matches and started the great Peshtigo fire (on the same night as the great Chicago fire). 12 communities were destroyed (including the JablonskiMart whose ideas were then stolen by Sam Walton) and nearly 2,000 people died as the fire burned an area the size of Rhode Island. Grandfather Ewald blamed it on a scorched possum that was found in the aftermath and Ewald suffered from guilty conscience til his passing. His family was so shamed that they moved to North Carolina to punish themselves. (Facts taken from a peer-reviewed entry in the esteemed Burripedia.)
Perry was right. Compared to Texas BBQ, North Carolina's reminds me of 4 day old possum road kill.
ReplyDeleteSo, just how often do you eat 4 day old possum road kill? Is this a Burri family Thanksgiving tradition? Do you wash it down with a bottle of Thunderbird, or - if Thunderbird is temporarily unavailable - a glass or two of Wollersheim Chardonnay?
ReplyDeleteAre we inviting their governor to the BBQ bonfire?
ReplyDeletePossum ain't bad. Armadillo's chewy as all get out, tho. And there's that whole leprosy thing...
Paco,
ReplyDeleteA while back I ran into some hard times and sustained myself on road kill BBQ and Ripple bottle backwash.
… and beef can be barbequed. We do it quite often. But you have to use a proper sauce, like Lea & Perrins.
ReplyDeleteCheers
Ok, Steve, I'm calling b.s. I know people from Wisconsin. My best friend's family is from there. His late grandfather was born in Peshtigo. And when he came down occasionally during the 70s to visit his son and grandchildren, who were then living in North Carolina, we'd sit around the kitchen table - typically devouring some vinegar-based pork barbecue sandwiches (a favorite of the old man's; "much better than that slop from Texas," he'd always say) - and he'd tell us stories about when he was a young man, trying to keep body and soul together during the Great Depression. He told some pretty hair-raising tales of those hard times, and one night I asked him, "Gee, Mr. Ewald, were you ever so broke that you had to eat road-kill - say, for example, 4-year-old possum?" He smiled, and said, "Why, no, young feller. No matter how bad things got, we never had to do that; that would be like eating Texas barbecue - you know, just one step removed from cannibalism. Whenever we didn't have enough money to go down to Jablonski's Grocery Store and Accordion Mart and buy food, we'd just go into the woods and pluck wedges from the wild cheese bushes that grew thereabouts, and wash it down with a cool drink from the natural Schnapps spring over by Polka Hill."
ReplyDeleteSorry, buddy, but you have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on me.
And, just to keep the record straight, I also asked him about 4-day-old possum.
ReplyDeletePaco,
ReplyDeleteThe only reason you get up earlier is because you are in an earlier time zone.
Why do you think your friends' grandfather is his 'late grandfather?' 'Cause that there N.C. pork BBQ done 'im in!
And... Ah, yes, the Ewalds from Peshtigo... Back in 1871, the then young Grandfather Ewald was playing with matches and started the great Peshtigo fire (on the same night as the great Chicago fire). 12 communities were destroyed (including the JablonskiMart whose ideas were then stolen by Sam Walton) and nearly 2,000 people died as the fire burned an area the size of Rhode Island. Grandfather Ewald blamed it on a scorched possum that was found in the aftermath and Ewald suffered from guilty conscience til his passing. His family was so shamed that they moved to North Carolina to punish themselves. (Facts taken from a peer-reviewed entry in the esteemed Burripedia.)
Y'all stop dissing Texas beef barbecue, hear? I grew up on that stuff (along with cornbread n' beans, and Tex-Mex).
ReplyDeleteI also lived in NC for four years, so I've had experience with NC barbecue. It was... okay.
Steve: That's a lie! Mr. Ewald assured me that fire wasn't introduced to Wisconsin until the 1890s.
ReplyDeleteJust wait until some Cincinattian asks his opinion on chili. And for the record, REAL chili has neither beans nor tomatoes in it.
ReplyDeleteAnd, if it doesn't feature brisket as the main ingredient, it ain't BBQ. This is the best BBQ in the world.