Well, at least now Kevin doesn’t have to live in his car

Kevin Rudd has resigned as Australia’s Foreign Minister. Tim Blair has the details.

Also, Prime Minister Julia Gillard will be calling for a leadership ballot.

[Dons tweed jacket with intellectual-looking elbow patches, balances pince nez carefully on nose, and lights meerschaum pipe. Inadvertently drops lit match in coat pocket, wherein rests a nearly full box of its unignited fellows.]

My American readers are no doubt befuddled by this latest turn in the course of Australian politics. “Precisely”, you ask, “what is a leadership ballot?” Well...*puff, puff*…I will be more than happy to draw on my, er, extensive knowledge of Australian politics and history to bring you the enlightenment you desire.

You see, in the early 20th century, Australia, very much like our Old West, was a wild and woolly country (and, no, the latter is not a reference to the vast flocks of sheep that were, and still are, raised there; although the place certainly is, in that sense, “woolly”. This is a side issue, however, which need not detain us).

Now, where was I?...*puff, puff*…Oh, yes. Australia was a rough and tumble country where disputes were frequently settled with extreme prejudice - at the point of a gun, that is to say. [Suddenly, a loud sizzling noise, followed by flames and a copious amount of smoke billowing from the coat pocket.] Why, viewing the period in my mind’s eye, I can almost smell the cordite – which, interestingly, smells not unlike burning tweed…burning tweed…Gad! There will be a brief recess. Feel free to talk among yourselves. [Rushes to bathroom, from which issues the sound of running water, and the plaintive cry, “Ruined!” Returns in shirtsleeves.]

In any event, so prevalent was the impulse to violence that it spilled over into politics – aided and abetted, unfortunately, by the Crown’s chief legal counselor in Australia, whose dyslexia caused him, in interpreting the constitutional law, to confuse the words “bullets” and “ballots”. So, for the first several years, prime ministers were selected by means of duels with pistols, the victor of the shooting match assuming office. One unscrupulous politician, named Ned Kelly, went to the extreme of wearing iron plates under his clothes to ensure his success; however, his subterfuge was discovered when a well-wisher slapped him on the back and a loud clang! was heard by the crowd, which became incensed at this display of poor sportsmanship and hanged Kelly from a stout native tree (a specimen of oak known as a “billabong”).

Ultimately, the aforementioned legal counselor’s affliction was found out. The people were mortified to learn that their leaders were supposed to be chosen via ballots, not bullets, but such was – and is - the playful spirit of Australians that they were reluctant to completely expunge the idea of some form of combat, even if non-lethal, from their political deliberations, so, in making intraparty leadership choices, a tamer sort of duel was implemented and is followed to this day.

Therefore, we will shortly see Julia Gillard and her rival, Kevin Rudd, batting each other with the paddle ends of two stuffed platypuses, until one candidate knocks the other off his, or her, feet. Although, in order to comply with the law, de jure, this exercise is referred to as a “leadership ballot”, it is popularly known as a “leadership buffet”.

Anything else you’d like to know about Australian politics, feel free to ask - a little later, perhaps. Right now, I’m off to the Burlington Coat Factory.