An 80-year-old woman found resourceful means to defend her family store from armed robbers Friday afternoon - she launched mangoes at them.Now, I’m glad this ultimately worked out for the woman in question, although she did get knocked on the head by one of the robbers - with a gun, mind you.
The suspects entered the store in New Bedford, Mass. and went for the cash register, it appears on surveillance footage. At that point, the woman picks up a box of mangoes and begins throwing them at the two men.
Here are some guidelines for those grocery store employees who either (a) decide to limit themselves to fruit as a self-defense weapon, or (b) are prevented by state or local laws from possessing guns:
1) Choose fruit that is relatively small and hard. Apples and pears are fine. If you’re willing to trade off velocity for greater potential destructive impact, pineapples are the fruit of choice.
2) Work on your delivery. Think Justin Verlander throwing a 100-mile-an-hour pitch. Speed and accuracy are vital. Practice, practice, practice!
3) Unless the perps are extremely slow-footed, or perhaps confined to wheelchairs, forget about cantaloupes and watermelons; most people would have to simply lob them, giving your average perp plenty of time to take evasive action. Exception: if the shot-put was your sport in high school or college, melons may work for you; however, remember that the wind-up takes a fair amount of space, and requires precious seconds that you could be using more efficiently to execute, say, high-speed, repetitive avocado delivery.
4) Go for head shots. A well-placed, over-ripe tomato right between the eyes may blind your assailant long enough for you to make it to the exit (or, if you’re a man, to the feminine products aisle, where no one will ever think of looking for you).
5) If you have large hands, load two fruits in your throwing hand and deliver the effective “double tap”.
6) You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to defend your life – i.e., don’t be squeamish about hurting an armed assailant. You want to use the most deadly thing at your disposal. Don’t, out of a mistaken impulse of charity, reach for a nectarine, when you’ve got a glass jar full of kumquats at hand. After all, he asked for it.
Of course, if you're into tubers...