Tuesday, July 24, 2012

If Nanny Bloomberg and his ilk get their way, this may be our only self-defense option

“Mass. woman fights off robbers by throwing fruit at them”.
An 80-year-old woman found resourceful means to defend her family store from armed robbers Friday afternoon - she launched mangoes at them.

The suspects entered the store in New Bedford, Mass. and went for the cash register, it appears on surveillance footage. At that point, the woman picks up a box of mangoes and begins throwing them at the two men.
Now, I’m glad this ultimately worked out for the woman in question, although she did get knocked on the head by one of the robbers - with a gun, mind you.

Here are some guidelines for those grocery store employees who either (a) decide to limit themselves to fruit as a self-defense weapon, or (b) are prevented by state or local laws from possessing guns:

1) Choose fruit that is relatively small and hard. Apples and pears are fine. If you’re willing to trade off velocity for greater potential destructive impact, pineapples are the fruit of choice.

2) Work on your delivery. Think Justin Verlander throwing a 100-mile-an-hour pitch. Speed and accuracy are vital. Practice, practice, practice!

3) Unless the perps are extremely slow-footed, or perhaps confined to wheelchairs, forget about cantaloupes and watermelons; most people would have to simply lob them, giving your average perp plenty of time to take evasive action. Exception: if the shot-put was your sport in high school or college, melons may work for you; however, remember that the wind-up takes a fair amount of space, and requires precious seconds that you could be using more efficiently to execute, say, high-speed, repetitive avocado delivery.

4) Go for head shots. A well-placed, over-ripe tomato right between the eyes may blind your assailant long enough for you to make it to the exit (or, if you’re a man, to the feminine products aisle, where no one will ever think of looking for you).

5) If you have large hands, load two fruits in your throwing hand and deliver the effective “double tap”.

6) You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to defend your life – i.e., don’t be squeamish about hurting an armed assailant. You want to use the most deadly thing at your disposal. Don’t, out of a mistaken impulse of charity, reach for a nectarine, when you’ve got a glass jar full of kumquats at hand. After all, he asked for it.

Of course, if you're into tubers...


Steve at the Pub said...

For some fair dinkum fruit & veg ordnance, one can't go past a native of my part of the world:

The Queensland Nut.

This, known elsewhere by the name of some person who exported a few trees, is called the "MacAdam Nut" or something.

You can knock people out with those things!

JeffS said...

Some fruits and vegetables that should NOT be used for self-defense:

Bananas: You'd need to throw fresh peels, and that would take too long in a crisis situation. Further, being somewhat shaped like boomerangs, throwing a whole banana might, er, boomerang on you.

Brocoli: Too light and healthy. Ranch dipping sauce might increase its effectiveness, but only if you tape the brocoli to a glass jar of the stuff. Which would run you afoul of Federal laws concerning the illegal modification of weapons.

Grapes: Only if stored in a glass bottle. Just be sure you're above the legal drinking age.

Celery: Use only if you have extensive training in knife throwing or fencing.

Carrots: See "Celery".

Col. Milquetoast said...

If you have to throw fruit to defend yourself then I would recommend canned fruit.

Anonymous said...

Deborah Leigh said...Watermelons are excluded for another reason. It might not be viable to ascertain the racial identity of the assailant (not that you would be allowed to, since that would be profiling), so....

In all seriousness, unopened water bottles are a good projectile, and can be deadly with the right placement.

OT My waitress at lunch had recently moved from Colorado. She had friends at that showing. Thankfully they are all fine (physically). She lamented how Colorado always gets a bad rap. I pointed out who was doing the bad mouthing, and who was sullying the reputation...out of staters.

Yojimbo said...

Throw coconuts. Hard outer shell and, if you want to hit the cocnut, you have to throw a cocnut.

I think(whoa!) I heard that gun sales were up forty percent in Colorado after the shooting.

TimT said...

The Queensland Nut

What, you mean Bob Katter? Actually, not a bad idea... The Bunyah nut would also be pretty good.

This is somewhat related.

Paco said...

Tim: I plan to implement your suggestions this weekend. Should liven up the otherwise mundane weekly shopping trip.

Col. Milquetoast said...

If Nanny Bloomberg and his ilk get their way, this may be our only self-defense option

Until a crook pokes someone in the eye with a pointy apple slice. Then Bloomberg will demand that all fruits be registered, the grocery loophole be closed and assault bananas that can be held like a pistol be banned.

rinardman said...

Fruit as a weapon? Better hope the bad guys haven't seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWCBOsJr-w

RebeccaH said...

I say forget the fruit and arm yourself with a slingshot and a handful of glass marbles. A shotgun would be better, though.

Steve at the Pub said...

The Queensland Nut has been renamed by overseas interests as the "Macadamia" nut, (after the foreign interloper who took a few trees overseas) (Yet another example of clean Aussie language being buried under an ooze of overseas terminology!)

They are a bit smaller than a golf ball, but much harder than a golf ball (there's no bounce in a Qld nut!)

We used them as weapons when we were kids. Fruit & vege shops would have bins full of them.

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