Sunday, March 3, 2013
Brad Smilo interviews the President on the sequestration
Brad [in a low voice, barely above a whisper, speaking into a small transmitting device hidden under the bill of his sun visor]: Hello, this is Brad Smilo on the Washington beat for Paco World News Daily. Today, President Obama has graciously consented to grant me a face to face interview as he unwinds with a game of golf with Secretary of State John Kerry.
Obama: Hey, caddy! Where’s that three-iron?
Brad: Right away, sir! [resuming low voice] Ok, full disclosure: the president didn’t exactly consent to give me an interview, but now that I’ve managed to get close to him, it all amounts to the same thing. I’d better take him his club.
Kerry [talking with Obama]: So, I just don’t understand what’s going on with the Russian foreign minister and his refusal to answer my phone calls. Each time I say, in a very polite tone of voice, “Hello, this is John Kerry. I’d like to place a collect call to”…Oh, here’s your caddy.
Obama: Well, it’s about time! You know, there’s something about your face. You look kind of familiar, and not in a good way. How long have you had that ZZ Top beard?
Brad: Oh, a long time.
Obama: Mm. Alright, so, how do you think I ought to play this hole?
Brad: I think you should address the ball in a direct, straightforward way, and not blame your slice on other people.
Obama: What?!? When have I ever blamed my slice on anybody?
Brad: Mr. President, I heard you tell Mr. Kerry a while ago that you developed a slice as a result of some bad advice you got from John Boehner.
Obama: Oh. Yeah. Well, Boehner did tell me to angle my body slightly to the right while pulling hard to the left. Here, stand back….*Thock!*...Ah, that’s a beauty, isn’t it John? John? Say, where is Kerry, anyway?
Brad: He said something about washing his balls. I suggested he might want to try some Tinactin if his jock itch was bothering him that badly, and he seemed to get a little huffy.
Kerry [returning from a small covered area near the fairway]: Damn! The water in the ball-washing machine was filthy!
Obama: I guess the groundskeeper’s people haven’t gotten around to…Hey, what’s the matter with you?
Brad: I-I’m sorry, sir, but the thought of grown men soaking their testicles in a common tub…It makes me feel a little ill.
Kerry: What the hell’s he talking about?
Obama: Listen…say, what’s your name again?
Brad: Er…Tad. Tad Silo.
Obama: I swear that sounds familiar, somehow. And again, not in a good way. Anyhow, quit with the jokes, already, and let’s get going.
Kerry: Look, Mr. President! There’s a golf cart coming this way, and at a high rate of speed. Isn’t that your chief of staff in the passenger seat?
Obama: Sure looks like him. What now, I wonder. I’m getting so sick and tired of having to interrupt my golf games to run the country.
Brad: Denis McDonough, the president’s chief of staff, is approaching in a golf cart.
Obama: Who are you talking to? And how do you know the name of my chief of staff?
Brad: Oh, I try to stay informed.
McDonough [leaping out of the golf cart]: Mr. President, terrible news!
Obama: What happened?
McDonough: It’s the sequestration.
Obama: Oh, that. You know the sequestration isn’t a big deal. I was just hyping it for political advantage.
McDonough: But, sir! You’ve been furloughed!
McDonough: That’s right. Two days a week for the next six months.
Obama: Why, this is an outrage! Wait a sec. On the other hand, I could get some more golf in, work my handicap down. Tad, will you quit waving that sun visor in my face?
Brad: You heard it here first, folks. The president of the United States: hoist on his own sequestration petard.
Obama: Wait! I’ve got it! [Yanks the false beard off of Brad’s face] I knew there was something fishy about you!
Brad: Thanks for the time, Mr. President, but I’ve got to go and file my story.
McDonough: Hey! He’s stealing my golf cart!
Brad: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. It looks like President Obama will be having a lot more free time on his hands. This is Brad Smilo of Paco World News Daily reporting from the second hole of the Army/Navy golf course.
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, back at the White House
Secret Service agent: Er, do you really think it’s a good idea to be doing skeet shooting on the north lawn, Mr. Vice President?
Joe Biden: Mr. Acting President, Steve. Pull!
Secret Service agent: Well, sir, you missed the clay disk, but you did pick off that window washer on the VA building.
Biden: Is that why the fellow is dancing around on that little platform, holding his butt?
Secret Service agent: Yes, sir.
Biden: Well, if he doesn’t want to find himself on a plane heading back to El Salvador, he’d better keep his mouth shut. Pull!