Friday, July 18, 2014

The future of grocery shopping…

…if Michelle Obama has her way:
According to, the federal busybodies want to provide food-stamp shoppers with “incentives” for making healthy food choices – such as discounts or free movie tickets – and even talking shopping carts that will notify them when they’ve selected enough healthy items.

The high-tech carts – which would cost every grocery store about $30,000 to provide – would be physically divided and color coded to help consumers select approved food items. It would also “have a system installed so that when the shopping cart reaches its healthy ‘threshold’ it would congratulate the customer.
You know it’s not going to end with food-stamp shoppers…

[Paco goes shopping]

Paco: Let’s see now, bananas, cantaloupes…Whoa!...What’s that over there? Ahhh, peanut-butter cookies!

Shopping cart: Hold up, tubby!

Paco [startled]: Who said that?

SC: I did. Allow me to introduce myself: I’m SC#179, and I’ll be your healthy foods consultant today.

Paco: But…you’re a shopping cart!

SC: That’s right, porky, and who better than I to assist you in monitoring your calories?

Paco: I think I’m capable of watching my own weight, thanks.

SC: Well, yeah, I guess so, considering there’s so much of it. I mean, one could be as near-sighted as Mr. Magoo and still observe that expanse of tarp you call a shirt. Didn’t you notice when you stepped on the weight sensors that trigger the automatic door that the door flew open so fast it derailed and crashed into the mango bin?

Paco: Listen, wise guy, how’d you like a new career transporting some homeless guy’s worldly goods around the inner city?

SC: Ok, ok. I was just trying to get your attention. I’m simply here to make suggestions. It’s for your own good, you know. After all, I’m part of an important government project.

Paco: Oh, right. The government’s doing such a bang-up job with foreign policy and securing the border and managing the economy, what could possibly go wrong micromanaging the daily menu for its citizens?

SC: Careful, slim. You’re starting to sound like one of those private militia crazies. Now, let’s get down to business. Instead of buying those peanut-butter cookies, why don’t you substitute something wholesome – like, say, broccoli?

Paco: Broccoli. You mean those things that look like little trees from somebody’s bansai garden?

SC: Sure. Plenty of vitamins and good roughage.

Paco: But they also taste like little trees from somebody’s bansai garden. No, I’m sticking with the cookies.

SC: C’mon, man! Eating one of those cookies is like screwing a cork into your aorta. Don’t blame me if you have a heart attack later on.

Paco: I hereby absolve you of all guilt. Now, here’s the bread aisle. Any problem with a loaf of whole wheat?

SC: Better check it for gluten content.

Paco: Checking the nutrition label. Nope. No gluten.

SC: You’re lying.

Paco: How the hell do you know?

SC: Ve haff vays.

Paco: Does the management here know that you’re trying to kill their business?

SC: We’re not trying to kill their business, just reorient it toward healthier products. Hey, what are you doing? Why are we speeding down the aisle?

Paco: You’re so smart, you figure it out! [Begins vigorously scooping cookies, pancake syrup, chocolate bars and sodas into cart]

SC: Help! I’ve got a rogue glutton on my hands! Somebody stop him!

Paco: Bwahahahaha!!

[Arrives at a checkout lane and begins to unload groceries]

Cash register: Halt! Is that a bag of powdered donuts?

Paco: Wha…?!?

Cash register: I’m not processing that stuff.

Paco [to clerk]: Hey, who’s in charge here, you or the machine?

Clerk: Sorry, sir, but the register is equipped with the Michelle-O-Meter; it’s a healthy foods override device. It’s blocking me from ringing up most of your purchases.

Paco: And just who sets the benchmark for healthy foods?

Clerk: Well…you know…[rolls eyes in the direction of a massive image hanging on the wall of Michelle Obama, wearing an Uncle Sam hat and pointing, above the words, “I want YOU to eat right!”]

Paco: But I’ll starve!

Cash register: Nonsense. We’ve got a special on broccoli today.

Paco: That tears it! I’m going to Safeway!

Clerk: Won’t do you any good, sir.

Paco: Why not? Last time I was there, they didn’t have any of these officious contraptions.

Clerk: That’s true; however, Safeway stores are now operated directly by the Department of Agriculture’s elite Michellestaffel unit. They’ll search your cart before you leave the store, confiscate your unhealthy items and you won’t get your money back.

Paco: This sounds like food fascism, to me!

Cash register: What’s your point?


rinardman said...

And if this grand plan is a flop....Moochele ma belle, will just get Obo to use his pen & phone to ban her list of unhealthy foods.

rinardman said...

Umm, that should probably be: ban the unhealthy foods on her list...

Veeshir said...

I gotta disagree, that sounds awesome.

I would fill my cart up with crap just to hear it berate me.

I'd have a cart full of Twinkies, Capt Crunch, orange soda and Twizzlers with the stuff I actually want on top.

I wouldn't actually buy most of it, I'd leave it in the self-checkout lane, but having my shopping cart hassle me would be a blast.

Yeah, I don't have a lot going on.

bruce said...


Haha. Yeah it sounds like they plan a kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' so this kind of thing will be everywhere.

Making your own will be a crime too.

RebeccaH said...

Hah! Laughed at this, Paco, even though anything The First Nanny says usually makes me want to cry or break something.

mojo said...

"Want to borrow my ice pick? The processor is under that cover there..."

JeffS said...

"Hypocrisy? Why would anyone accuse me of hypocrisy?" -- Michelle Obama