Only cops should have guns (Part XXXVII).
I think it would be great to return home and find some Wild Turkey (Oh, wait. You mean that kind of wild turkey).
Here's a tip for burglars: eat before you burglarize.
One of the most important countdowns of our age (H/T: Captain Heinrichs).
Also from the Captain: a joke...
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realising that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
"The Sexy, Scary World of Craigslist Apartment Listings".