Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Letter from Junius to Senator Jeff Flake

Senator Flake:

History has drawn a veil over the identity of the person who left open a postern gate in the walls of Constantinople, thus enabling the soldiers of Mehmet the Second to infiltrate the city and bring to a calamitous end the thousand-year-old Byzantine empire (and this at a stage of the battle when some of the sultan's own counselors were advising him to lift the siege); however, we've no reason to believe that the deed was anything other than an act of catastrophic carelessness by some supremely irresponsible cloth-pate.

The well-documented defectiveness of your headpiece notwithstanding, be advised that we will not admit a plea of mere stupidity in the matter of your eleventh hour effort to afford your Democratic friends new avenues of attack by suggesting an FBI investigation into the unproven - and, indeed, unprovable – allegations made by Dr. Ford, and perhaps by other like-minded fabulists whom I've no doubt the Democrats will try to produce as complainants. No, sir, yours was an act of calculated sabotage, part and parcel of your fraudulent moral preening for an audience of leftists whose current paeans to your “heroism” you will no doubt be startled to discover , soon enough, are as evanescent as any claim you may ever have had to being a genuine conservative.

At a time when the Democrat faction has deteriorated into little more than a mobile vulgus, baying for the blood of true patriots and threatening to reduce our Constitution to a dead letter, we find you, not in the trenches standing shoulder to shoulder with the stalwarts of your Party, but sitting in the shade of the supply wagons, far from the site of battle, polishing your curriculum vitae in the hope of pursuing some fantastical career that will never exist outside of your own imagination. You could have played Horatius at the bridge, but chose to flee like some cowardly Nomen nescio , some anonymous and craven pressed man, discarding his armor just as quickly as ever he could wriggle free of it.

I do not know that the Flake family possesses an heraldic achievement, or what is generally, but imprecisely, known as a coat of arms. Permit me to suggest one: on a field, jaundiced, two chickens couchant, divided by a bar sinister. Helm: a dunce cap, argent. With far more elegance than you deserve, your character would thereby be smoked as that of a man who is, as my American cousins in the southern colonies would say in their coarse but vivid argot, a stupid yellow bastard.

And for a motto, I can think of nothing more apt than the words spoken by the American robber baron Jay Gould, as he narrowly avoided the clutches of the law. Leaping upon the boat with which he effected his escape, he assured his colleagues, “Don't worry, boys. Nothing's lost, save honor”.


(H/T: friend and commenter Isophorone, who suggested this letter)


RebeccaH said...

Excellent, my good sir!

bruce said...

Junius returns!

bruce said...

Very fitting with all these modern Don Quixotes riding out to defend the honour of 'Roe vs Wade' as they imagine.

rinardman said...

I would suggest this be sent to Flake, for his perusal, but I suspect he would need someone to explain it to him.

Isophorone said...

Love it. THANK YOU!!!

Paco said...

R-man: He wouldn't know what to make of it, now that John McCain's no longer around.

You're welcome, Isophorone! Thanks for the inspiration.

Bucky said...

Flake and the Lefties may be hoist on their own petard. The delay of the vote has given time for former acquaintances of Ford and Swetnick to come forward with damning evidence against them. It now appears that Ford committed perjury in her Senate testimony.

bruce said...

In the 60s was Dr Who, in the 80s was Dr Detroit, now it's Dr Fraud.

Dr Fraud Dr Fraud
You think you're very clever
But I don't think you scored
Dr Fraud Dr Fraud

Your story sounds like fiction
In fake lil' girl diction
Dr Fraud Dr Fraud

You keep the Senate waiting
To hear about your dating
Dr Fraud Dr Fraud