Tuesday, October 2, 2018
Letter from Junius to Senator Jeff Flake
History has drawn a veil over the identity of the person who left open a postern gate in the walls of Constantinople, thus enabling the soldiers of Mehmet the Second to infiltrate the city and bring to a calamitous end the thousand-year-old Byzantine empire (and this at a stage of the battle when some of the sultan's own counselors were advising him to lift the siege); however, we've no reason to believe that the deed was anything other than an act of catastrophic carelessness by some supremely irresponsible cloth-pate.
The well-documented defectiveness of your headpiece notwithstanding, be advised that we will not admit a plea of mere stupidity in the matter of your eleventh hour effort to afford your Democratic friends new avenues of attack by suggesting an FBI investigation into the unproven - and, indeed, unprovable – allegations made by Dr. Ford, and perhaps by other like-minded fabulists whom I've no doubt the Democrats will try to produce as complainants. No, sir, yours was an act of calculated sabotage, part and parcel of your fraudulent moral preening for an audience of leftists whose current paeans to your “heroism” you will no doubt be startled to discover , soon enough, are as evanescent as any claim you may ever have had to being a genuine conservative.
At a time when the Democrat faction has deteriorated into little more than a mobile vulgus, baying for the blood of true patriots and threatening to reduce our Constitution to a dead letter, we find you, not in the trenches standing shoulder to shoulder with the stalwarts of your Party, but sitting in the shade of the supply wagons, far from the site of battle, polishing your curriculum vitae in the hope of pursuing some fantastical career that will never exist outside of your own imagination. You could have played Horatius at the bridge, but chose to flee like some cowardly Nomen nescio , some anonymous and craven pressed man, discarding his armor just as quickly as ever he could wriggle free of it.
I do not know that the Flake family possesses an heraldic achievement, or what is generally, but imprecisely, known as a coat of arms. Permit me to suggest one: on a field, jaundiced, two chickens couchant, divided by a bar sinister. Helm: a dunce cap, argent. With far more elegance than you deserve, your character would thereby be smoked as that of a man who is, as my American cousins in the southern colonies would say in their coarse but vivid argot, a stupid yellow bastard.
And for a motto, I can think of nothing more apt than the words spoken by the American robber baron Jay Gould, as he narrowly avoided the clutches of the law. Leaping upon the boat with which he effected his escape, he assured his colleagues, “Don't worry, boys. Nothing's lost, save honor”.
(H/T: friend and commenter Isophorone, who suggested this letter)