An Expert on Chicago Politics Weighs In

“Hello, folks. This is Brad Smilo of Paco World News, and I’m here again with well-known Chicago community organizer and…er….”

“Furniture dealer, Brad.”

“Yes, furniture dealer, Al Capone. Well, Mr. Capone, Illinois has produced yet another big political scandal with Governor Blagojevich being arrested for graft, and a host of other politicians falling under a cloud of suspicion. Looks like things haven’t changed much over the years.”

Capone: Yeh, these things go in, whaddayacallit, cycles, right? Ya know, round an’ round. Ya get everybody to play ball, keepin’ it all hush-hush, everybody gets a spoonful of gravy, and then some goombah gets greedy, starts flappin’ his gums on the telephone, the feds pick it up, then they all start trippin’ over each other to cut a deal, doin’ their associates dirty, stoolin’…I tell ya, there ain’t no honor in politics at all. That’s why I always kept out of it – except to buy off the occasional mayor or judge; but whaddaya gonna do? Overhead, right?

Brad: What do you think the root cause of this problem is, sir?

Capone: Technology, Brad. It’s a curse. See, back in the old days, I wanted to cut a business deal, I had the guy come meet me in my hotel suite. The boys would frisk him, we’d sit down, have a little chat; nobody’s the wiser. Nowadays, everybody’s gotta use the phone, or send messages on those little walky-talky things – raspberries, ain’t that what they call ‘em?

Brad: BlackBerries.

Capone: Yeh, I knew it was somethin’ fruity. Anyhow, the feds, they listen in, get the lowdown on this bohunk governor and every single mug he’s been talkin’ to, and before you know it, Wham!, they got him and all his pals on the hook.

Brad: Well, actually, Mr. Capone, I meant what do you think is the root cause of all of this corruption?

Capone: Oh, you mean why do we keep gettin’ stuck with politicians what ain’t got no ethics?

Brad: Exactly.

Capone: That’s easy. The rubes keep votin’ the bums in. See, people will always vote for some putz who says what they wanna hear. In Illinois – ‘specially in Chicago – these days ya got whaddayacall your liberal Democrats, an’ there ain’t nothin’ they like better than pie-in-the-sky, chicken-in-every-pot, government’s-gonna-wipe-your…

Brad: Nose?

Capone: Well, I gotta even lower opinion of ‘em, if you know what I mean, but, yeh, you get the picture. So what happens is, the rubes, they don’t figure that runnin’ the government is like a real business; to them, it’s just like a big magic show, or a movie or somethin’, or – and this is the worst part – sometimes like a religion that ain’t got no hell, just a heaven that’s gonna open up like a swell speakeasy soon as ya get enough of these liberal Democrats runnin’ the operation. And the things people want from politicians these days! Good weather, for cryin’ out loud! In my day, all they wanted was somethin’ like filled-in pot holes or a new hospital.‘Course, the rubes don’t know it, but there ain’t no magic in politics; it’s like anything else: ya gotta watch the guy at the till. The problem with these voters is, they ain’t watchin’ the guy at the till, and he’s helpin’ hisself and bringin’ down the net margin.

Brad: So, an informed electorate can make a genuine difference?

Capone: Oh, sure. Ya know, when that little St. Valentine’s Day thing happened back in ’29 – and I had nothin’ to do with it, I was in Florida at the time, but it wouldn’t have happened if Bugs Moran hadn’t got greedy, the little mick bastard…where was I? Oh, yeh; the rubes finally got wise and threw out my pal Big Bill Thompson a couple of years later. Can’t say it was good for my business, but I understood where they was comin’ from.

Brad: Then what you’re saying is, graft doesn’t pay?

Capone: No, no, it pays off huge; when Big Bill died – God rest his soul – they found two million samolians in his safe deposit box at the bank. But Bill was a citizen; he saved his graft, week in and week out. What I’m sayin’ is, punks like this Blagojevich got no sav-wah fair; they chase the goose what lays them golden eggs around the yard with a meat cleaver ‘til the damned thing’s squawks attract the law, instead-a bidin’ their time and just collectin’ them eggs as they come along. Greed, Brad. It’s the big lump in the gravy boat of life. Ja get that? “The big lump…”

Brad: “…in the gravy boat of life.” Yes, Mr. Capone, I got it. I guess we can add “philosopher” to your resumé!

Capone: Yeh. Put it down between furniture dealer and philanderist.

Brad: You mean “philanthropist”.

Capone: Yeh, that too.