Return Interview with Leading Chicago Citizen

Transcript of the most recent interview with Al Capone conducted by Brad Smilo of Paco World News Daily (PWND)

Brad: Good afternoon to all my listeners out there. Thanks to the miraculous time-travel technology of Paco Industries, I’m fortunate to be here at Tomaso’s Italian Restaurant with well-known Chicago businessman and community organizer, Al Capone. How’ve you been Mr. Capone?

Capone: Mmph…Cull me Ow, Bad.

Brad: What’s that? Oh…call you Al. An honor, Al. Maybe I’d better let you swallow that mouthful of pasta before I ask any questions.

Capone [taking a big gulp of Chianti]: Aaahhhh! Dat’s better. I almos’ got some a’ dat chow down de wrong windpipe. I’m doin’ swell, Brad; how’s about youse?

Brad: Couldn’t be better, Al.

Capone: Good, good. Say, ya wanna try some a’ dis baked rigatoni? Looks to me like yez could stand to put some meat on dem bones.

Brad: No, I’m fine, thanks. Al, I’m sure my listeners would be glad...*Gulp!*

[Two large thugs in baggy suits pull .45s from the recesses of their flashy haberdashery and hold them to Brad’s head]

First thug: So, youse are wired, eh, buddy?

Second thug: I taut so! One a’dem income tax dicks, boss!

Capone: Put dose rods away, ya morons ya! Brad here ain’t no stoolie; he’s a reporter. He’s here to tap my brains on, whaddaya call, current events. His listeners are his radio audience [turns to Brad]. Sorry about dat, Brad. De help is a little jumpy dese days, what wit’ de Treasury cops breathin’ down my neck. Now, whaddaya wanna know?

Brad [wipes forehead with handkerchief]: Well, as I was about to say, my audience would be interested in your take on a comment recently made by a CNN reporter to the effect that President Obama ought to channel his inner Al Capone in dealing with his opposition..

Capone: “Channel his inner Al Capone.” I ain’t followin’ ya, Brad. What de hell does dat mean?

Brad: The reporter is suggesting that the President ought to be more like you.

Capone: Well, I s’pose he must mean de President oughta give up de politics racket an’ go into de second-hand foiniture business. ‘Cuz dat’s my line, ain’t it, boys?

First thug: Yeh, boss. Foiniture.

Second thug: Dat’s right. Chairs an’ couches an’ [shoots cuffs and straightens tie] arm-mwahs an’ such like.

Brad: Actually, Al, I believe what he’s saying is that the President should be more like a…a gangster.

Capone: A gangster! Perish de tawt, Brad. Look, youse tell de President anytime he’s int’rested in settin’ up a showroom someplace, I’ll be glad to give him a few tips. For example, nuttin’ like a red tag sale aroun’ T’anksgivin’ to move out dat ol’ inventory. But when it comes to makin’ illegal hootch an’ shakin’ down shop-owners for protection an’ shootin’ up Bugs Moran’s gang – which, by de way, I didn’t have nuttin’ to do wit’ ‘cuz I wasn’t even in town at de time, see? An’ I wouldn’t ‘a missed Bugs [frowns angrily at thugs] if I had been after him, which I wasn’t…well, I’m a lawr-abidin’ citizen and youse can tell dat two-bit yellow-rag-hawker of a reporter I said so.

Brad: I’ll be happy to do that, Al. Thanks for your time, and I’ll be talking to you again soon, I hope.

Capone: Yeah, well, t’ru a screen, pro’lly, if I can’t shake dese T-men. You’d t’ink dey had better t’ings to do dan chase after a’ honest appliance salesman.

Brad: Er, I thought you said you were a furniture dealer?

Capone [sticking another forkful of rigatoni in his mouth]: Wup? Oo, shoo, shoo. Foint’cher. Fee ya ‘roun’, Bad.