Honoring a false prophet

The national Christmas tree doesn’t appear to have any ornaments referencing the Person whose birth we are supposed to be celebrating, but it does have an ornament that says “I ♥ President Obama”.

So, have a happy Oba-mas, everyone! Since there are still a few shopping days left, might I suggest the following fine products from Progressive Alternatives to Christmas Online?

- Blank wills, ready to fill in, make great stocking-stuffers for those aging grandparents who will shortly be getting subpoenaed by a federal death panel lifetime-acceleration committee. And be sure to tell grandpa and grandma not to forget to leave a little something to Obama’s campaign fund! In return, they will receive weekly inquiries from the president, himself, concerning their health and actuarial outlook during the upcoming election year.

- Saving the planet is important all year round, even during the holidays. Stop giving Gaia a hot foot with those old fashioned bulbs and candles and stock up on LED lights (available in two lovely shades of green: Amazon Rainforest and Goretreuse).

- Recycling is everyone’s responsibility – but it can be aesthetically, as well as psychically, pleasing! This year, spruce up your Hope and Change tree with beautiful, handcrafted paper ornaments made from recycled McCain-for-President posters. Each ornament depicts a key episode in the life of Barack Obama: smoking a blunt behind his grandmother’s utility shed; attending the initial fundraiser with Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dorn; the invariable nap in the family pew at the Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s church; picking out his first teleprompter; and many more! Be the first progressive on your block to collect ‘em all!

- Incensed by the lies that the National Rifle Association is constantly telling about President Obama’s purported opposition to gun ownership? Rest assured that the President knows all about the Second Amendment (for example, at a recent press conference the President forcibly pointed out that it comes right after the First Amendment, and just before the Third). But there’s no reason to turn the whole country into Dodge City. Why not purchase a membership, for yourself or a loved one, in a brand new organization: Defending Individual Safety in an Approved Responsible Manner? The annual fee funds several educational and legislative initiatives that offer non-violent alternatives to traditional self-defense techniques. Your membership package includes a 3x5 laminated card listing the penalties for rape, armed robbery and burglary that you can flash at malefactors for their edification; stainless-steel “dog tags” bearing your name and the name of your next-of-kin; and a subscription to Possum magazine, your monthly guide to such important topics as playing dead, learning to run like a gazelle, and knowing how to turn over your valuables in a cheerful, non-threatening manner.

- Whether you’re a neophyte or an expert, you’ll stand out on the links with Barack Obama signature golf clubs, manufactured according to specifications designed by the fourth best president of the United States, based on his own extensive experience on some of the most challenging courses in the world. Maybe you’ll never be president, but there’s no reason you can’t play golf like one!

Ho-ho-hope ‘n change, everyone!