The inside story

King Charles III recently unveiled his first official portrait since his coronation. The artist is Jonathan Yeo. The painting is somewhat...controversial.

Etaoin Shrdlu, European correspondent for Paco World News Daily (PWND), managed to catch the artist at an outdoor café yesterday and asked him a few questions.

Mr. Yeo: What...What are you doing? Dammit, you've handcuffed me to the chair!

Shrdlu: Thank you, Mr. Yeo, for consenting to this impromptu interview. I promise I'll only take a few moments of your time.

Mr. Yeo: Are you mad? Is there a cop anywhere around here?

Shrdlu [dangling the key in front of Yeo's face]: Oh! Goodness! I'm holding this key right over a grate in the sidewalk. I feel it slipping...slipping...

Mr. Yeo: Alright, alright. What do you want to know?

Shrdlu: This new portrait of King Charles?

Mr. Yeo: Oh, yes. One of my best pieces, I think. What about it?

Shrdlu: Well, it certainly is...red, isn't it?

Mr. Yeo [grinning weakly]: Ah...yes, yes, there's a lot of red in it. All very symbolic, you know. Red is the color of Great Britain on world maps, and also the color of the colonies. Important color, red; important, er, symbolically and what not. Now, how about unlocking these handcuffs?

Shrdlu: Somehow, I sense there's more to your use of this overwhelming amount of red [dangles the key very loosely over the grate].

Mr. Yeo [runs finger around inside of collar; mops perspiration from forehead with handkerchief he has extracted from his jacket with free hand; finally wilts in surrender]: Oh, very well. The painting didn't have much red at all, to begin with, but I paused for lunch one day and picked up a bottle of ketchup so I could pour a dollop on my jellied eels and when I shook it, I neglected to notice the cap was loose. It came off and ketchup went all over the portrait. What was I to do? I had already informed Buckingham Palace that the picture was finished. So I just sort of spread the ketchup out evenly. Now, if you'll take this damned thing off...

Shrdlu: There you are, sir. And thank you for the interview. But, say, who's this fellow?

[A short young man in a blue blazer runs up, severely winded]

Mr. Yeo: It's my assistant. Horace, what on earth's the matter?

Horace: Oh, sir! [*wheeze*] It's a catastrophe [*cough*]. The Palace called. It's your portrait of King Charles, sir.

Mr. Yeo: Yes, yes, what about it?

Horace: Ants, sir! Thousands of 'em! They've made off with practically all of the red pigment! All that's left is just the King's face and hands against a faint pink background. Somehow, photos have gotten out to the public. One wag said it looks like the King is drowning in a watermelon daiquiri. Another said he appears to be swimming in a Pink Lady. Well, you can just imagine the coarse ribaldry that comment generated!

Mr. Yeo: Zounds! Well, it's off to the studio for some red paint and a can of Raid we go! Sorry, Shrdlu, but we must fly.

Shrdlu: Godspeed, Mr. Yeo! This is Etaoin Shrdlu, Paco World News Daily, reporting from London.