Polar Extremes

Everyone remembers that Knut was, at one time, the world's cutest polar bear cub; adored by millions, he was a major source of income for the Berlin Zoo. Now, of course, he is a grown-up psychopath, whose excessive interaction with humans at an early age appears to have ruined him. According to the linked article, "He actually cries out or whimpers if he sees that there is not a spectator outside his enclosure ready to ooh and aah at him" (this is known as "Chuck Schumer" syndrome). Experts say he will probably never mate.

In connection with that last point, I wrote two short Knut skits at Blair's old place, which I will now recycle for the benefit of those who may have missed them the first time around.

Knut and the Zoo Keeper - Part I

Zoo keeper: Go, on, Knut, go on. Say hello to your mate.

Knut (Working the Times crossword puzzle): Hmmm?

Zoo keeper: I said, go on over there and say hello to “Cindy”.

Knut (Removes spectacles and glares at zookeeper): Dude. She’s a bear.

Zoo keeper: I know she’s a bear! That’s the whole point. You’re supposed to mate with her.

Knut: Oh, right. So we can have kids and you and your staff can debate about whether “mom” should be allowed to scarf down as many cubs as she likes, or whether you ought to bite the bullet and actually save them from a toothy death. Listen, man, if you’d had your way, I’d probably have wound up as a pair of fuzzy white slippers for your wife.

Zoo keeper: But this is the way it’s supposed to be in nature! You’re a bear!

Knut: I like to think that I’ve risen above such deterministic modes of thinking. Pity you haven’t. (Glances at Cindy). Tell you what: you like her, you mate with her. I won’t say anything to your missus. (Replaces spectacles and resumes working crossword puzzle). I mean, it’s not like I could tell her or write her a note or anything. I’m a bear, remember?

Knut and the Zoo Keeper - Part II

Zoo keeper (walks up to Knut, softly, and coughs to get his attention): Knut, Cindy the she-bear is really anxious to meet you.

Knut (walking on an exercise treadmill while reading the Financial Times): Just a minute (reads aloud to himself – “A former director of the New York Mercantile Exchange yesterday pleaded guilty to charges of illegal trading…” – You see, this is why I put my surplus funds in bank certificates of deposit. Sorry, what were you saying?

Zoo keeper: I said, Cindy the she-bear is…you know… ready for a little canoodling.

Knut: Gawd! Are you at it again? Still trying to get me to mate with that…that…bear?

Zoo keeper: Knut, listen. You’ve got to mate with Cindy. The papers are all complaining about how attached you’ve become to humans, and how you’ve been ruined for normal polar bear life.

Knut: Ruined for normal polar bear life? Oh, you mean eating raw fish and inattentive Eskimos, and hanging out on ice floes and getting chased off of crowded beaches by angry walruses? Perish the thought! Why wouldn’t I be all over that deal? Do you mind? You’re standing in my light. (Resumes reading Financial Times).

Zoo keeper: Please, Knut! Our zoo is becoming a laughing stock.

Knut: Oh, man, get off my back, will you? *Sigh*. All right, all right. Tell you what I’ll do: bring my car around and I’ll take her to the movies. I think there’s a Fritz Lang festival going on downtown.

Zoo keeper: I said “mate” not “date”!

Knut ( Rises to his full height, and looks at the zookeeper with withering contempt): If you are seriously suggesting, sir, that I would stoop to fornication – with a bear, mind you, and, furthermore, with a bear to whom I have not even been properly introduced – then we have nothing further to discuss (folds Financial Times, slaps it under his arm, and marches into cave, angrily slamming French doors).