Honest Barack, Rail Sitter Splitter

The President-Elect, his wife and David Axelrod are meeting in the Obamas' hotel room at the Hays Adams Hotel to discuss the Inauguration Day luncheon

Obama: Listen, David, I agree with the general idea that I am Lincoln reincarnated, but aren’t we carrying the symbolism a little too far?

Axelrod: Symbols are important, sir. Now, does the stovepipe hat fit?

Obama: Yes, yes, it fits just fine. But I draw the line at the false beard. It makes me look like Islamic Rage Boy.

Axelrod: Not if you maintain a sad, but wise, smile.

Michelle Obama (storming in from the bedroom): What the hell is this?

Axelrod: That’s a hoop skirt, ma’am; an exact reproduction of the dress that Mary Todd Lincoln wore on her husband’s inauguration day.

Michelle: And this doily thing?

Axelrod: That’s a cap.

Michelle: Dude, you are outta your freakin’ mind if you think I’m wearin’ this s**t !

Axelrod: Perfect, Michelle! A show of hysterical temper would be ideal. Mary Todd Lincoln was mentally ill, you know. Er, do you think you could possibly fork some mashed potatoes onto your head during the luncheon?

Michelle: What?!?

Axelrod: Ok, ok. How about if you just throw a hot buttered roll at Joe Biden?

Michelle: Well, I had planned on doing that, anyway. But these plantation house threads are definitely out! And Barack, take that silly hat off; you look like Mr. Peanut.

Obama (admiring himself in the mirror): Oh, I don’t know…this hat seems to give me…stature.

Michelle: You know what that hat looks like? It looks like one of those old kitchen garbage pails, the kind where you step on a little pedal and the lid pops up.

Axelrod: I assure you, Michelle, the hat is historically accurate in every detail.

Michelle: Forget about the damn hat for a minute! Have you ever stopped to think that Lincoln was a Republican? Why can’t my husband go as FDR?

Axelrod: We considered it, Michelle, but a wheelchair would take up too much room at the table. We’d have to move Hillary Clinton.

Michelle: And your point would be?

Obama: Please, baby, David’s just trying to create the proper mood for the beginning of my presidency.

Axelrod: Besides, Hillary’s agreed to wear a simple brown dress and a do-rag on her head, and at a cue from me, during the main course, she’s going to say, “Lawsy, Miss Michelle, I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no Middle East peace process!” And then Abe…er…the President, that is, can lay out his vision for creating a lasting peace in that part of the world.

Michelle: What’s he gonna do? Have Grant shell Tehran? Fiddle-dee-dee, I don’t even want to think about the inaugural luncheon today; I’ll think about it tomorrow (Michelle withdraws to the bedroom, slamming the door).

Axelrod: By George, I believe she’s got it!

Obama: Umm, David, just what is my vision for establishing peace in the Middle East?

Axelrod: I don’t know, yet, sir; we’ll figure something out during the appetizer. Now, here’s a list of Lincoln quotes you might want to work into your conversation during the luncheon.

Obama (reading through the list): Hmm…Let’s see… “All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio.” Ok, I don’t get it. Why would anybody want to drink from the Ohio River? Didn’t it actually catch on fire one time?

Axelrod: That was the Cuyahoga.

Obama: And what about this one? “This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it.” I don’t know that I want to put that idea into people’s heads, especially until we get this inflation thing under control.

Axelrod: You mean “recession”, sir.

Obama: Whatever. Come in! (Obama responds to a knock on the door).

(General Merrill McPeak, Obama’s chief military advisor, enters the room; he is wearing what appears, at first glance, to be a dead otter on his face; but a second glance shows it to be only a false beard. He is attired in an immaculate gray uniform with yellow piping, and his head is crowned with a wide-brimmed hat topped off with a peacock feather. In short, McPeak's inaugural luncheon costume has been tailored to precisely resemble the cavalry uniform of J.E.B. Stuart, Major General, Confederate States Army. He is received with icy stares by Axelrod.and Obama)

McPeak(somewhat anxiously): What?