Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Shrinkage in Office

The president’s secretary knocked on the door to the Oval Office and entered.

Secretary: Mr. President, Speaker Pelosi is here for your two o’clock meeting…Mr. President?

A muffled voice is heard from underneath the desk: No! Tell her to go away!

Secretary (advancing to the desk and peering under it): Sir, is anything wrong?

Obama: Send Michelle to me!

Secretary: Right away, sir.

(A few minutes later, the First Lady storms into the Oval Office)

Michelle: All right, just what in the hell do you think you’re doin’ under there?

Obama: I’m having an anxiety attack.

Michelle: Oh, shit, another one? Just like the night you won the nomination!

Obama: I can’t help it. All of a sudden, I realized that I don’t know what to do.

Michelle: About what?

Obama: About anything! I’m president of the United States and I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to do. In the Middle East, in Russia…And everybody’s getting mad at me; Rush Limbaugh, the Pope…

Michelle: Are you shittin’ me? A radio talk show host and a preacher in a pointy hat. And that makes you curl up like a possum under your desk. Well, you just get a grip, little man, and come out from under there, ‘cause you’ve got a meeting with the speaker of the House.

Obama: No! She’ll be mean to me! I took away her hundred million dollars worth of contraceptives spending.

Michelle: So what? I mean, she must be the world’s biggest slut if she needs a hundred million dollars worth of contraceptives.

Obama: No, no, no! It’s not for her. It’s part of her stimulus package.

Michelle: Stimulus package? Well, she can just make do with unribbed condoms.

Obama: No, that’s not…Oh, skip it. Tell her I’m indisposed.

Michelle: Barack, that woman dragged her narrow ass all the way over here from the Capitol to meet with you; now, you comin’ out, or do I have to drag you out?

The door to the Oval Office suddenly opens, and Speaker Pelosi stomps in

Pelosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President, but my time is valuable, too…What the…Where is he, Michelle?

Michelle (thinking quickly): Oh, hello Ms. Pelosi. The president is under his desk. He’s, er, practicing “duck and cover”. We’ve got a nuclear attack drill in progress. Here, I’ll escort you to the basement.

Pelosi: But…

Michelle: Let’s go, ma’am. We take these things seriously around here. In fact, this drill may last for hours, so you might want to come back tomorrow.

Several hours later, two cleaning women enter the Oval Office. One begins to dust the bric-a-brac, the other powers up a vacuum cleaner. Lucy – the one with the vacuum cleaner – works her way over to the desk, attempts to push the business end of the machine underneath, encounters resistance, and then jams it in hard. A cry of “Ouch!” issues from the cavernous space. Lucy turns off the vacuum cleaner and rolls up her sleeves.

Lucy: Hey, Wendy, bring me something heavy. I found a trespasser.

Wendy (looking around quickly, grabs a wooden sculpture of a hand holding an egg and runs to the desk): Come out of there, you! And come out slow, or I’ll bean you good!

Obama: Say, you can’t talk to me that way! I’m the President of the United States. And put the Egg of Power back where you got it!

Lucy: Humph! I’ve been here for eight years, and I don’t remember ever seeing Mr. Bush under the desk. How about you, Wendy?

Wendy: No, that nice Mr. Bush never took naps under the desk; and he never yelled at me, either.

Obama: I’ll prove it. Listen to this…*cough*…”Hope-and-change-yes-we-can-eat-my-waffle!”

Wendy: I dunno. Whaddaya think, Lucy?

Lucy: Well…it does sound a little like him. Have you got a flashlight? It’s kinda dark under there and I can’t see him real good…

Obama: I AM BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!! Now, why don’t you ladies come back later and finish up? I’m in my comfort zone right now and I don’t want to be disturbed.

Lucy (sticking out her chin, and tossing her head haughtily): Come on, Wendy, let’s go. Boy, they sure don’t make presidents like they used to.

Wendy: No. They. Don’t.


Anonymous said...

Please tell me that's true. Well, I will think it so, until told otherwise. Mehaul.

Wand said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paco said...

Wand: Who's kidding? :)

JeffS said...

Since The Mighty O! can't find the door, this story has the right of truth to it. Or rather.... truthiness.

richard mcenroe said...

Just think how funny the tape transcripts from the Great and Powerful Ob's Administration are going to be, if we live to hear them...

Paco said...

Jeff: I'm surprised he didn't just dematerialize and reassemble his molecules on the other side.

JeffS said...

Obama is likely saving that trick for when his dazzling rhetoric isn't so dazzling, Paco.

Anonymous said...

Paco. What did Wand say?

Just curious. I can't imagine that was a Wand comment that was removed. Mehaul.

Paco said...

Mehaul: I don't remember, exactly, but it was completely inoffensive. I didn't remove it. Color me baffled.

Emmett Flatus said...

At least in past administrations the Prez would have had company under the desk. Are they sure no interns are missing?