Obama: Good morning everybody. Let’s get started. First off, I’d like to thank Joe Biden for taking on the task of implementing the stimulus bill. It’s a big job, Joe, figuring out how best to spend almost $800 billion, but I know you can do it.
Biden: Thank you, Mr. President.
Obama: By the way, those are some stylin’ gold chains you’re wearing. And unless I miss my guess, that's a new watch. Rolex, isn’t it?
Biden: That’s right, sir. Stimulus begins at home, I always say.
Obama: Quite right, too! Hillary, I also wanted to compliment you on the fine job you did in China. You sent exactly the message that this administration wants to get across: that human rights comes in a very close third on our list of concerns, right after begging China to continue financing our debt, and halting global warming. I thought that video of you walking around the slave labor camp with a CO2 detector was a nice touch.
Clinton: Thanks, Senator.
Clinton: Yes, of course. Mr. P-p-p…
Obama: That’s ok, Hillary; work up to it slowly. Rahm, anything new in our congressional strategy?
Emanuel: Just the same &%$* buncha *&@# as last week, except that %$&* Roland Burris has stepped all over his @!$% and we may need to find some other *&!% to take his place.
Obama: Put with your customary eloquence. Thanks. Say, where’s Janet Napolitano? I had some Homeland Security questions for her.
Panetta: Sorry, Mr. President, but we haven’t heard from her since her last trip back to Phoenix. We got this note, though, asking for $100,000 for her safe return. It’s supposed to be delivered to the house of a man named Hector “El Machete” Villalobos in Ciudad Juarez.
Obama: Well, you’re the CIA guy; what’s it mean?
Panetta: Gosh, sir, I really don’t know. Maybe it’s some kind of request for a travel voucher?
Obama: Yeah, that’s probably it. Joe, think you could spare a little of that stimulus cash for Janet?
Biden: Well, I don’t know…I mean what with our infrastructure needs, the ailing automobile industry, my son’s down payment on the new house… I’ll have to check.
Obama: Good man, Joe. Way to watch those pennies. No need to overdo it, though. Anything else?
Hillary: Oh, there is one thing, Mr. P-p-p…sir. Jack Murtha is waiting for you in the Oval Office. He says he’s interested in giving up his congressional seat in order to pursue his lifelong ambition of being an ambassador.
Obama: To which country?
Hillary: To any country without an extradition treaty.
Obama: All right, I’ll see him. Well, that’s enough hope and change for today, folks. Say, Rahm, stop by and see the Secret Service boys, will you? Michelle and I are feeling a little stressed and we’d like to drive over to the kids’ school later.
Obama: Thanks. By the way, good luck at your Tourettes Syndrome Anonymous meeting tonight!