Saturday, March 7, 2009
Conversations With Oscar
Hello. We’re here once again with environmental consultant, Oscar the Oak Tree. Oscar, Al Gore seems to be getting increasingly testy with people who dispute his apocalyptic views on global warming. What do you have to say to that?
You know something? Al Gore can just bite my bark. The guy essentially took a brown paper bag - half-filled with facts, and many of them irrelevant - and blew it up into a dirigible of disaster-fantasy. Now I see that the new President has swallowed this jive hook, line and sinker and is getting ready to spend hundreds of billions of dollars on creating a giant snake-oil distillery. Not too long from now, you’ll be picking bird parts off your lawn because of all the windmills, and driving cars that look like little motor-scooters with canopies. I’m sure as hell glad I’m not a taxpayer.
What about all this carbon dioxide getting into the air?
Listen, bub, carbon dioxide is what I do. So do all the trees around here, so do all plants, period. It also happens to be the active ingredient in soda pop; where do you think carbonation comes from? This guy, Gore, is gonna have everybody swearing off Coca-Cola and switching to what, Yoo Hoo? Give me a break! And think about this: no carbonation means no head on your beer. The Democrats try that and there’ll be riots in the street.
Well, thank you Oscar; this has been a very enlightening conversation. Anything we can do for you?
Yeah, call Smitty’s Landscaping, will you? It’s time I get a trim.
Update: Uh-oh. Maybe Oscar should have kept his mouth shut (via Richard McEnroe in the comments):
FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
TO OSCAR THE OAK TREE
Dear Mr./Mrs. TREE
You are hereby directed and required to report immediately to the nearest Federal Sustainable Resources Management Point (formerly Al's Discount Lumber Yard) for purposes of re-education.
BY ORDER OF THE PRESIDENT, IN THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT, WASHINGTON DC, WHICH IS WHERE THE PRESIDENT LIVES AND ANYWAY I WON