Vive L'Empereur!

Fools! Ignorant proles! Sans culottes!

When I ran for president on a platform of change, wasn’t it obvious that I meant daily change? As a great strategist – and if you doubt my bona fides, I suggest that you study both my primary and my general election campaigns – I have learned that the tired, retrograde policies of a few months ago are no longer relevant to the world as it exists today; and, for that matter, the strategy of today may well be out of date by the Friday news dump.

Oh, sure, when I was campaigning, I was loud and clear in my declarations that Afghanistan was the real seat of our battle against man-made disaster. But my views have evolved since then, armed, as I am now, with many additional facts (and, of course, the victory in the presidential election). It is a time for mulling over the situation, studying all of the relevant data, weighing the input from my advisors, perhaps tweeting General McChrystal - if I have time, before my all-important trip to Copenhagen to lobby for Chicago’s bid to host the Olympic games.

As another great military genius once put it, “Order marches with weighty and measured strides. Disorder is always in a hurry” (Unless we’re talking about health care and cap-and-trade legislation, where time is of the essence). Once I have assembled every conceivable piece of information, I will feed the problem into my infallible decision model, and my action, if any, will be swift.