Thursday, December 31, 2009

Tee'd Off

Early morning in the Oval Office at the White House. President Obama is taking a few practice swings with his favorite driver. There is a knock on the door. Obama’s personal secretary appears

Secretary: Mr. President, Ms. Napolitano is here for the eight o’clock meeting.

Obama (completing a mighty swing): Whoa, momma! That one went 200 yards, easy! Er…heh…Yes, thanks, Ms. Jenkins. Please send her in.

Janet Napolitano: Good morning, Mr. President.

Obama: Good morning, Janet. Please, sit down (they take their seats on opposite sides of the presidential desk). I thought that we might want to discuss this business about the Nigerian bomber. It’s having a negative impact on the public perception of my national security savvy.

A knock on the door. The secretary enters.

Secretary: I’m sorry to interrupt your meeting, sir, but this package just arrived, and I knew you were expecting one.

Obama: Ah! That must be my new custom-made golf shoes. Yes, thank you, Ms. Jenkins. I’ll take it. Now, where were we Janet? Oh, yeah. We were talking about national security.

Napolitano: Well, Mr. President, it’s true that the system doesn’t work perfectly, but we’re instituting new procedures that should improve things considerably.

Hssssssssss

Obama: Mm-hm. For example?

Hsssssssss

Napolitano: One thing we’re thinking of doing is handcuffing airplane passengers to the arms of their seats during flight.

Hssssssss

Obama: Say, what’s that sizzling noise?

Napolitano: I don’t know, but it seems to be coming from that box.

Obama opens the box and removes the contents, which he places on his desk.



Obama: Hey, that’s not a pair of golf shoes! What do you suppose it is?

Napolitano: Beats me. Anyhow, as I was saying, we’d like to do a better job connecting the intelligence dots, but the Suspicious-Looking Persons Anti-Defamation League has been complaining about profiling, so we’re kind of stymied, there.

Hssssssss

The president’s gentleman’s personal gentleman - Gustave Napoleon Toussaint D’Orleans, late of Haiti - enters with a vase of fresh flowers. Spotting the bomb, he immediately throws the water from the vase at the burning fuse, dousing it - and the President – thoroughly.

Obama (spluttering and removing carnations from his hair): Gus! What do you think you’re doing?

Gus: My apologies, Monsieur le President, but I thought it my duty to put out ze bum.

Obama: Bum? What bum? This is Janet Napolitano, the Secretary of Homeland Security! Anyway, if you wanted to put her out, why did you throw water on me?

Gus: I am sorry, Monsieur le President; I fear zat I express myself badly. I am referring to ze exploseeve device on your desk.

Napolitano: Y-y-you mean, that was a bomb?

Gus: Oui, Madame. A bum. I had much experience wit’ bums when I was in ze employ of President-for-Life Baby Doc Duvalier, back in ze old country. La! But ze peeples were always sending to him ze bums! Zat is why I was able to recognize eet immediately.

The president’s secretary knocks on the door again.

Secretary: Pardon me, Mr. President, but Deputy Secretary Jane Lute from Homeland Security is here to see you.

Napolitano (eyeing the president suspiciously): What? Why is Jane Lute here?

Obama: Well…heh…you see how it is, Janet. Er, this screw-up with the Nigerian bomber has…um…forced me to make some tough decisions, and…er…actually, I was thinking of putting her in your slot and shifting you to another job. A very, very important job, I hasten to add.

Napolitano: What is this “other job”?

Obama: Janet, I want you to head up a special task force I’m putting together that will monitor U-boat activity in the Chesapeake Bay.

Napolitano: U-boat activity?!? But there aren’t any U-boats in the Chesapeake Bay.

Obama: That’s the point. I thought maybe you might be better suited to guarding against risks that aren’t out there than for risks that are.

Napolitano: You’re dumping me? For another woman?

Obama: I’m sorry, Janet, but what else can I do? The focus groups have spoken.

Napolitano (grabs the golf club from the president’s desk): Well, buster, what you’d better focus on is getting hold of the telephone number for Tiger Woods’ plastic surgeon!

13 comments:

elcampeador.com said...

LOL...The Master achieves once again.

Happy New Year to Paco and the entire Paco Clan.

Come hell or high water, I'm making 2010, a helluva lot better, than 2009.

stillo: unused Brillo?

JeffS said...

Heh ---- J-No is teed off at The O!

kc said...

Ah...another positive note at the end of the year. Thank you, Paco!

Richard, I'll ditto your wishes for Clan Paco AND bloggers and commenters and lurkers in Paco Nation (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Blair Nation, of course).

Happy New Year to all of you from all of us. My year is better every year, because you're part of it!

JeffS said...

Oh, and if you need more evidence that O!bama doesn't take national security seriously, read how the failed terrorist attack on the Amsterdam-Detroit failed has been defined by the White House as a "political issue".

The "politics of incompetence", indeed. Pfui!

kae said...

Thanks, Paco, for my very first laugh in 2010!

Isophorone said...

U-boats in the Chesapeake? Is this inspired by your previous post from the Paco library?

Have a Happy New Year!

Paco said...

Nah, not really. I've used that U-boat gag before on occasion.

SwampWoman said...

Happy New Year!

/Okay, so I'm early, but I think I'll turn in now and avoid the rush.

Minicapt said...

"Napolitano: U-boat activity?!? But there aren’t any U-boats in the Chesapeake Bay."

The Pres: "Correct, and I have confidence that you can improve that situation, less than zero in fact."

Cheers

Yojimbo said...

Shouldn't the New Year appear about fifty-five minutes earlier in Presque Isle? I'm confused.

smitty1e said...

Linked you at the new site!

Gerard said...

Sweeeeeeeet! Linked it right up.

(Great new site Smitty)

Obi's Sister said...

Outstanding