I have long admired Michael Barone for his political savvy, his cool deliberation, his insightful analysis. So, you can imagine my disappointment when I read this article, in which he discussed the nomination process and did a quick run-through of the Republican presidential candidates, without ever mentioning me.
Well, let me give you a few hard facts facts, Mr. Barone, based on some sophisticated polling done by the respected firm, Polling Analysis and Cut-rate Oneiromancy:
1) I win handily in a face-off with Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot (and trail Juan Perón by less than two percentage points - and that’s probably just because of his fancy uniform).
2) In a preference check-off list of things people most want to avoid, a Paco presidency scored well below “being disemboweled with a spork”, and only one step ahead of “dying without benefit of clergy”.
3) At our recent family reunion, held at the home of Old Paco, I won 85% of the vote in a match-up with Gary Johnson (and, yes, I’m aware of charges that this poll may have been tainted by the purported likelihood that my relatives thought the Gary Johnson in question was the local bootlegger who sold the bad whiskey that laid out half the Paco clan at last year’s family reunion, instead of the former New Mexico governor, and that the 15% who voted against me were the Primitive Baptists in the family who think that imbibers of alcoholic beverages deserve whatever they get; however, I and my - or, heh, I mean the - polling firm deny these allegations).
In addition to polling strongly, I think I am assured of sufficient funding. I talked to my uncle, J. Packington Paco III, just last night, and he was delighted when I asked him for financial support. At least, he sounded delighted. He was laughing a lot, anyway.
It’s ok, Michael. Even the best hitters take their eye off the ball from time to time. Try to do better going forward. Tell you what; here’s something to keep you alert to the viability of a Paco presidential run: “White House spokesman Michael Barone”. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?