Transcript of a debate conducted via conference call between President of the United States, Barack Obama, and presidential candidate Paco, leader of the Paquista wing of the Republican Party. Moderator: Brad Smilo of Paco World News Daily.
Smilo: This is Brad Smilo. Paco, are you on the line?
Paco: Yeah, hold a sec, Brad; I’m just finishing up some important private business here [You know what? Hold the onions on that Big Burger, and make it a large order of fries, ok?] All right, Brad, I’m back. Have you got Himself on the line, yet?
Smilo: Let’s see. Yes, it looks like I’ve got somebody on line three. Hello? Mr. President?
Voice: This is Todd Bannerman III, Deputy Assistant to the Chief of White House Remote Communications. The President will be with you momentarily. Sorry for the delay, but he’s been pretty tied up with, er, budget negotiations.
Obama: Fore! [*Whoosh!* *Thwack!*…… *Ker-plunk!*] Damn! Bannerman, go see if you can fish that one out, will you? Here, give me the phone. Hello?
Smilo: Good morning, Mr. President. This is Brad Smilo. As you know, we’ve scheduled a little telephone debate today between you and Republican candidate, Paco.
Smilo: Paco, sir. He was one of the first people to announce his candidacy for president on the Republican side.
Obama: Are you sure? My appointments secretary told me I was supposed to be talking with Tim Pawlenty.
Paco: Ahhhmmm, that was probably my mistake. I set up the interview, and I might have said something like we need puh-lenty of time to discuss the issues.
Obama: Mm-hm. So, I guess I was also wrong about Sarah Palin joining us?
Paco: I was talking to your secretary about the recent basketball tournament, and it’s quite possible that I mentioned that Butler University’s determination would ultimately pale in comparison with UConn’s depth and experience.
Obama: This sounds like bait and switch to me.
Paco: You mean like your 2008 campaign strategy?
Obama: Hey! I promised hope and change, and that’s what the people got.
Paco: Well, they’re sure hoping for change now. I mean, just look at the economic situation. We’ve got a huge fiscal crisis, and instead of providing leadership, I heard that you’re heading out of town for a couple of days prior to the likely government shutdown. The battle is joined and you’re just keeping your head down.
Obama: Listen, I…wait…say that again.
Paco: What? About keeping your head down?
Obama: That’s it! That’s why I keep slicing the ball! I’m not keeping my head down. Thanks. Er, and I’m afraid I’ve got to ring off, now. Urgent business.
Smilo: Hello? Hello? Sorry, Paco, looks like we’ve been disconnected.
Paco: Yeah – you, me and about 310 million other citizens. No big deal. At least the debate didn’t last so long that my fries got cold. Oh, hold a minute, Brad. I need to make some campaign promises to the employees here at Five Guys. [Hey, amigos! Vote for Paco! Free green cards for everybody!]
Ecstatic cheers of “Viva, Paco!” and “Arriba con Paquismo!”