Looking for a tasty pick-me-up with proven health benefits? Then try our new tea, distributed through Panda-Assisted Comestibles Online.
Yes, this brand new variety – which we call "poolong" – is made from tea fertilized with panda feces. Not only is it delicious, it helps prevent cancer, gout and the West Indian dry gripes. And at $36,000 per pound, it’s a steal!
Frankly, you can’t afford not to drink it. Order now, and we’ll throw in a complementary bag of our other new product, “Coughee”: a rich blend of Brazilian and Colombian coffees, harvested from plants fertilized with tree sloth phlegm. Just the thing to wash down a breakfast of our hash brown pootatoes™ and scrambled-egg crâps™!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Our secret basement laboratory scientists have developed a water production process that will have dehydration curbing properties. They are able to extract water from the urine of Odobenus rosmarus, the walrus.
ReplyDeleteThe chemical extraction is fairly simple, but creating and fastening those special disposable briefs on a 3,500 pound walrus has proven problematic.
It will be big in Europe, of that we are certain.
You need to ditch your marketing executives and hire those that will stress the weight loss and wrinkle preventative attributes of the new poolong.
ReplyDeleteSwampie: You're right. Can you start Monday?
ReplyDeleteSteve: How much would you want for distribution rights?
ReplyDeleteDo you take food stamps?
ReplyDeletenow this post, and the comments has me laughing! well more than usual of course
ReplyDeletePandas. Is there anything they can't do?
ReplyDeleteI've just purchased from a door-to-door salesman a large christmas supply of Panda-Adulterated Colon Oolong tea.
ReplyDeleteNow that I've read this (& backed up by having tasted my new tea) I suspect that I may have fallen victim to a scam. How foolish of me to not buy from Panda-Assisted Comestibles Online.
Steve at the Pub: Accept no substitutes!
ReplyDeleteIs there a Federal subsidy to purchase it?
ReplyDeleteOn a trip to the Coney Island Aquarium a couple of years back with sundry nieces and nephews, we were at the lower observation windows of the walrus tank.
ReplyDeleteThis ginormous walrus comes sailing gracefully towards the wind, flips slowly end over end, and just plants it right on the glass.
And as the light dims from the steadily-spreading exclipse, we all got a good, detailed look at the engineering challenges you face...
wind = window, sorry I was reliving the trauma...
ReplyDeleteWatch out for the competition. I'm pretty sure the Occupods are planing on making some sort of beverage from all that urine they've been collecting in jars.
ReplyDeleteIntroducing: Prole-Whiz!
ReplyDeleteRichard McEnroe: that walrus was either giving you a treasured gift, or just insulting you.
ReplyDeleteI believe that you will find that my recent background in working with schizophrenic, bipolar, and autistic children will prove invaluable in interaction with members of the Obama administration.
ReplyDeleteDue to the start up nature of this venture, instead of the usual payment in lieu of salary of company stock, free hot water, teabags, and pens with the company logo, I'll merely take a small percentage, say 5%, of the multibillion dollar grant proposal that I'm writing to the Department of Energy so that we can convert the factory to solar power.
You do have a superior bankruptcy attorney on retainer for when the grant comes through, right?
Bankruptcy attorney? Oh, sure. I can only get in to see him on Sundays, though, during regular visiting hours.
ReplyDeleteRebeccaH -- It just kept getting wider. Many children's questions were not answered that day...
ReplyDeleteThe new motto of Panda-Assisted Comestibles Online:
ReplyDelete"Soylent Green is... Oh, Dear GOD!