Friday, November 18, 2011

Just in time for Christmas!

Looking for a tasty pick-me-up with proven health benefits? Then try our new tea, distributed through Panda-Assisted Comestibles Online.

Yes, this brand new variety – which we call "poolong" – is made from tea fertilized with panda feces. Not only is it delicious, it helps prevent cancer, gout and the West Indian dry gripes. And at $36,000 per pound, it’s a steal!

Frankly, you can’t afford not to drink it. Order now, and we’ll throw in a complementary bag of our other new product, “Coughee”: a rich blend of Brazilian and Colombian coffees, harvested from plants fertilized with tree sloth phlegm. Just the thing to wash down a breakfast of our hash brown pootatoes™ and scrambled-egg crâps™!

19 comments:

Steve Burri said...

Our secret basement laboratory scientists have developed a water production process that will have dehydration curbing properties. They are able to extract water from the urine of Odobenus rosmarus, the walrus.

The chemical extraction is fairly simple, but creating and fastening those special disposable briefs on a 3,500 pound walrus has proven problematic.

It will be big in Europe, of that we are certain.

SwampWoman said...

You need to ditch your marketing executives and hire those that will stress the weight loss and wrinkle preventative attributes of the new poolong.

Paco said...

Swampie: You're right. Can you start Monday?

Paco said...

Steve: How much would you want for distribution rights?

Yojimbo said...

Do you take food stamps?

missred said...

now this post, and the comments has me laughing! well more than usual of course

RebeccaH said...

Pandas. Is there anything they can't do?

Steve at the Pub said...

I've just purchased from a door-to-door salesman a large christmas supply of Panda-Adulterated Colon Oolong tea.

Now that I've read this (& backed up by having tasted my new tea) I suspect that I may have fallen victim to a scam. How foolish of me to not buy from Panda-Assisted Comestibles Online.

Paco said...

Steve at the Pub: Accept no substitutes!

richard mcenroe said...

Is there a Federal subsidy to purchase it?

richard mcenroe said...

On a trip to the Coney Island Aquarium a couple of years back with sundry nieces and nephews, we were at the lower observation windows of the walrus tank.

This ginormous walrus comes sailing gracefully towards the wind, flips slowly end over end, and just plants it right on the glass.

And as the light dims from the steadily-spreading exclipse, we all got a good, detailed look at the engineering challenges you face...

richard mcenroe said...

wind = window, sorry I was reliving the trauma...

Col. Milquetoast said...

Watch out for the competition. I'm pretty sure the Occupods are planing on making some sort of beverage from all that urine they've been collecting in jars.

Paco said...

Introducing: Prole-Whiz!

RebeccaH said...

Richard McEnroe: that walrus was either giving you a treasured gift, or just insulting you.

SwampWoman said...

I believe that you will find that my recent background in working with schizophrenic, bipolar, and autistic children will prove invaluable in interaction with members of the Obama administration.

Due to the start up nature of this venture, instead of the usual payment in lieu of salary of company stock, free hot water, teabags, and pens with the company logo, I'll merely take a small percentage, say 5%, of the multibillion dollar grant proposal that I'm writing to the Department of Energy so that we can convert the factory to solar power.

You do have a superior bankruptcy attorney on retainer for when the grant comes through, right?

Paco said...

Bankruptcy attorney? Oh, sure. I can only get in to see him on Sundays, though, during regular visiting hours.

richard mcenroe said...

RebeccaH -- It just kept getting wider. Many children's questions were not answered that day...

richard mcenroe said...

The new motto of Panda-Assisted Comestibles Online:
"Soylent Green is... Oh, Dear GOD!