Hello, everybody. This is Brad Smilo, of Paco World News Daily (PWND), reporting from the floor of the Democratic National Convention at Bank of America Stadium, located in Atlanta-wannabe, Charlotte, North Carolina. As we approach the opening of the convention, the air is charged with...well, not with electricity, exactly; it’s more like the smoke from a slow-burning fire in a peat bog, with Democrats no doubt hoping that their performance over the last four years will be obscured by the slowly forming clouds of impenetrable rhetoric and vaporous promises.
But let’s talk to the people here on the ground and get a sense of what the convention means to them. Excuse me, ma’am.
Woman: Ma’am? What do think this is, the Dark Ages? My name is Athena Dewpoint.
Smilo: How do you do, Ms. Dewpoint? I’m Brad Smilo of Paco World News Daily and I’d like to get your take on the convention. Are you a delegate?
Dewpoint: Yes, from the progressive commonwealth of Massachusetts.
Smilo: Oh. I would have thought you were from Florida, since you’re dressed up as a quarter-section of pink grapefruit.
Dewpoint: This is a vagina costume, genius. I’m not only a delegate, I’m a member of Code Pink.
Smilo: And what does the costume symbolize?
Dewpoint: Our unalterable opposition to the objectification of women. We hammered the point home by sending photos of our actual vaginas to the Republican National Convention.
Smilo: How did that work out?
Dewpoint: Those sexist bastards sent the pictures to the Center for Disease Control. Of course, the upside is that many of us got invitations to come in for free penicillin shots. But, still…
Smilo: I see that you’re carrying a placard with a somewhat gruesome picture on it. Isn’t that Goya’s painting of the titan Saturn eating his children?
Dewpoint: Oh, so you’ve got a problem with abortion, do you?
Smilo: Er, I don’t think I need to detain you any further, Ms. Dewpoint. Ah! There’s a familiar face, folks. Vice President Biden! Over here!
Biden: Huh? What? Ohhhh…Hi, Chad!
Smilo: It’s Brad, Mr. Vice President, Brad Smilo. How’ve you been?
Biden: Fine, just fine. Haven’t seen you since our last interview. Heh-heh. Didn’t actually see you then, either, really, since you were talking to me through a locked door.
Smilo: That’s right. You were locked in a closet in the basement of the White House. It was just after your comment about Republicans wanting to put black people in chains, wasn’t it?
Biden: W-e-l-l, it’s not a closet, exactly. The president calls it a refocusing room. You know, a place where we can have some solitude and clear our heads.
Smilo: And is your head clear, now?
Biden: Oh, absolutely! Plenty of room for new ideas in there, now! In fact, I’ve submitted one to the DNC presentation committee.
Smilo: Can you let me in on it?
Biden: Sure. You recall how Clint Eastwood used that empty chair to make fun of President Obama?
Smilo: I certainly do.
Biden: Well, I figured, why not turn that against Eastwood and the Republicans? So I had a picture taken of a whole bunch of people, sitting around in chairs, who can’t wait to vote for Obama this November, and I suggested that we spotlight the photo on the giant screen we have set up here in the stadium.
Smilo: And where did you find so many people sitting in chairs, committed to voting the Democratic ticket?
Biden: At the detention center for undocumented aliens in Nogales, Arizona.
Smilo: Y-e-s, I see…Er, let’s move to another topic. You were asked yesterday whether Americans are better off today than they were four years ago, and you said they are, but it was “too hot” for you to go into detail. Wasn’t that something of a dodge? Is it cool enough for you to address the issue now?
Biden: It really was too hot, Chad, and I’d be glad to answer your question, but, right now, with all these fans blowing, it’s a bit too cold. I think I’ll wait until it’s j-u-s-t right. You know, like in Goldilocks and the four bears.
Smilo: Three bears, wasn’t it?
Biden: Who are you, Paul Ryan? Numbers, numbers, numbers…
Smilo: One more question, Mr. Vice President, and then I’ll let you go. How do you think the Democratic Convention is going to stack up against the Republican convention, in terms of messaging?
Biden: Oh, no comparison, at all. The Republicans were all about cheap shots and pandering to minorities. Our convention is going to take the high road; we’re about professionalism and dignity. By the way, have you seen my pants?
Smilo: I admit, I was a bit curious about your state of undress.
Biden: I ripped them on a nail, and I handed them off to some woman dressed as a watermelon, and asked if she could sew ‘em up. Maybe you saw her? She was carrying a sign with a weird picture; looked like Al Sharpton eating a whole smoked ham. No idea what that was about. Oh, there she is! Hey, doll face, over here!
Dewpoint: Here you go, mister Vice President. This woman’s work is done!
Biden: Thanks! Here, let me just slip into these…H-e-y…Come back here, you! You sewed the cuffs together!
Dewpoint: That’ll teach you to stereotype, you chauvinist pig!
Biden: She can’t get away with this! See you later, Tad. I’m going after her.
Smilo: Thank you for your time, Mr. Vice President. That was Vice President Joe Biden, who is, at the moment, showing some surprisingly good form as a potential Olympic sack racer. I’ll be keeping my eyes open for additional displays of “professionalism and dignity” as the convention progresses. This is Brad Smilo, saying, so long for now!