Monday, April 27, 2015
Al Capone on the Clintons: the Brad Smilo interview
Good evening, America, this is Brad Smilo reporting from 1929 Chicago, where I’ve journeyed via the incredible Chrono-Cruiser, developed by those inventive geniuses at Paco Laboratories (“Better Living Through Chimeras”).
Tonight we want to talk with Mr. Al Capone, noted…er…
Capone: Used furniture dealer, Brad.
Smilo: Yes, that’s right, Chicago’s most successful used furniture salesman. Mr. Capone, you’ve had a chance to digest some of the news items I’ve brought back from the America of 2015, and one thing that stands out clearly is the ability of Hillary Clinton to push ahead with her presidential candidacy, in spite of the fact that she and her husband, former president in his own right, William Jefferson Clinton, have been dogged by scandals, the latest one stemming from their charitable foundation and its usefulness as a cash-generator for the Clintons’ lavish lifestyle and ambitious political aspirations. As a man who, ummm, has generated some publicity concerning his own sources of cash flow, what do you think of this?
Capone: I’ll tell yez, Brad, I’m just stunned. If you’d a’ come in here right after I finished readin’ all deez reports you gave me, I bet you’d a-said, “Dere’s a guy what looks like he’s just been poleaxed.” Not even dat double-crosser who got his brains beat out wit’ a baseball bat at a dinner I t’rew not long ago – not by me, a-course, by some udder mug what was showin’ us all how Babe Rute goes for da long ball, just a’ misfortunate accident, ya know what I’m sayin’? – not even dat guy prolly looked as surprised as I do now.
Smilo: Would you characterize your response as being somewhat appalled?
Capone: “Appalled”…Is dat like when yez find out some udder fellah’s pulled a fast one dat makes yer own plays look kinda penny-ante? Yeah, appalled, dat’s what I am. If only I hadda knew dat holdin’ some kinda official position in government could give ya cart-branch – sorry, Brad, dat’s a frog expression meanin’ do whatever t’hell ya want – cart branch to line yer pockets under da allspices of a charity racket, I wouldn’t-a wasted all dat dough on payin’ off politicians like Big Bill Thompson; I woulda been one, myself, and set up some combination for jimmyin’ da cash boxes a’ all dem foreign impotentates.
Smilo: So you have what you might call a grudging admiration for the Clintons’ acquisitiveness?
Capone: “Acquisitiveness”…Dat’s like when ya ask alotta questions, right? Sure, sure, I guess dey had to ask aroun’ quite a bit ta get da inside skinny on promotin’ dere scheme, but what I really admire is how dey grab for da geetus wit’ both hands, comin’ and goin’. Bad for da country, though.
Smilo: How is that?
Capone: In my day, politicians – and for dat matter, furniture salesman like me - are s’posed to give value for money. But what does Hillary Clinton offer? Speeches! Have yez ever heard her talk? Just goin’ by what I read in deez news accounts, she sounds like da head nurse at some laughin’ academy, readin’ out da day’s lunch menu to da loonies. A-course, between youse, me and da lamp post we know da money’s really to buy future political favors. But only da big shots can afford dat kinda dough. Da little guys’ll wind up gettin’ hurt ‘cuz dey can’t scrounge up da price a’ admission, so dey get t’rown under da bus. And at da end a da day, it’s da little guys who buy yer beer.
Smilo: Or furniture.
Capone: Didn’t I say furniture, Brad?
Smilo: Er, maybe so. I’ll check my transcript when I get back to the office.
There you have it, folks. Al Capone’s unique take on the Clinton money-making machine. This is Brad Smilo with Paco World News Daily (PWND).