Chairman, Democratic National Committee
Dear Mr. Perez:
Paco Enterprises' subsidiary, Progressive Anti-Conservative Ordnance, Inc., has issued a recall notice for the "Smear Gun One", which was recently purchased in mass quantities by your organization and deployed, most recently, during the hearings on Brett Kavanaugh's nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court. It has come to our attention that the items in question were inadvertently manufactured and shipped with U-shaped barrels, thus yielding results somewhat at odds with expectations.
As you will no doubt recall reading in the warranty, the Smear Gun One is sold as is, without representations concerning effectiveness; therefore, we regret that we cannot offer a refund. The extent of our recall responsibilities goes no farther than to encourage you to return the items at your own expense in order to get them out of your way. We will be sending you, however, a beautifully engraved certificate with the words, "Our bad!", suitable for framing (for the low, low price of $59.99, we will include a faux-hardwood frame with faux gilt).
Hoping to be able to serve your fine organization again in the near future, I remain,
P. A. Cosgrove-O'Sullivan
Vice President, Sales and