Monday, May 17, 2010

Matters of State

A strategy meeting in the Oval Office. In attendance: David Axelrod, Eric Holder and the President of the United States.

Obama: Hey, what happened to that dish of sugar cookies that my kids made? There’s only one cookie left.

Axelrod [instinctively running a finger across his mustache to eliminate any visible signs of crumbs]: Er…Sugar cookies? I didn’t see any. Did you, Eric?

Holder: Huh? Oh, I thought I saw Da…Ouch!

Axelrod [Muttering through clenched teeth}: Sorry, Eric. Was that your ankle?

Obama: All right, all right. Forget the cookies. Let’s get down to business. David, how can we use this Arizona immigration law as a wedge issue to divide teabaggers and Republicans?

Axelrod: It might not be as easy as it sounds, sir. For example, boycott efforts by Californians may backfire, since San Diego is looking at a counter-boycott from Arizonans.

Obama: Eric, I hear that the Arizona legislation mirrors the federal law that’s been on the books for seventy years. Any truth to that?

Holder: I guess so.

Obama: You have read the Arizona bill, haven’t you?

Holder: Yeah, yeah, sure…well…no, actually. I’ve been meaning to, but I haven’t had the time. I’ve been busy dodging subpoenas on that Black Panther voter intimidation case, and researching Roget’s thesaurus for synonyms I can use in lieu of “Islamic terrorism.”

Obama: Eric, the freakin’ thing is just ten pages long.

Holder [brightening]: I did see something about it in the New York Times.

[Obama’s personal secretary knocks on the door.]

Secretary: Mr. President, Senator Specter would like to speak to you.

Obama: What?!? Who took his call? I left clear instructions that nobody was home for that loser.

Secretary: He’s not on the phone, sir; he’s in my office.

Obama [his voice sinking to a whisper]: Bismillah! Listen, go back and tell him I’ve gone out for the evening. And turn the lights off on your way out so he won’t know we’re here. Thanks. [The room is now almost completely dark]

Obama [whispering huskily]: Ok, David. You were saying about Arizona?

Axelrod [also whispering]: There’s another catch with that Arizona statute. Its backers have discovered something in the health care bill that can be used to charge us with hypocrisy.

Obama: Damn! Every time I turn around, some new horror gets discovered in that health care blob. What is it this time?

Axelrod: Well, somewhere around page 487, under “Alternate sources of funding for Medicare”, there’s a clause that gives the federal government the right to harvest the organs of illegal aliens and sell them to hospitals in the aliens’ countries of origin.

Obama: Hmmm. That’s bad.

Axelrod: It’s worse than bad, sir. The clause doesn’t technically even specify that they have to be dead, first.

Obama: Who the hell put that in there?

Axelrod: I’m not positive, but as near as I can figure, it was inserted by Jack Murtha at the suggestion of your science czar.

Obama: That idiot Pelosi! Didn’t she read the thing before it passed? I know, I know; “We have to pass it to find out what’s in it.”

Holder [in a loud voice]: I can’t hear a word you guys are saying. [He is subjected to vigorous shushing from the President and Axelrod, in unison]

Obama: Wait! If we’re sending the aliens back a kidney or lung at a time, can’t we pass that off as, you know, deportation? That might take the wind out of the sails of those right-wingers who keep accusing us of not taking action.

Axelrod: Umm…I’ll have to think that one over, sir.

[A muffled voice is heard on the other side of the door]: Miss, I’m sure I heard somebody in there! Well, I’m not leaving until I see the President!

Obama: Ok, guys, total silence. Looks like we might be here a while.

[A few seconds later, a munching noise is heard; Obama stretches his hand out in the dark, and finds the now empty plate]

Obama: All right, which one of you snagged the last cookie?

Axelrod: Mmph…Ah-ont-owe, thur.

Holder [practically shouting]: What?

Specter [Bursting into the room and switching on the lights]: Ah ha!


RebeccaH said...

Dang. We minions tried to tell Wronwright not to be bouncing ideas off Jack Murtha!

Bob Belvedere said...

Another coup for top VRWC Field Agent Paco!

Quoted from and Linked to at:
Snagging The Last Cookie

Merilyn said...

Paco, very high standard as usual.