Matters of State

A strategy meeting in the Oval Office. In attendance: David Axelrod, Eric Holder and the President of the United States.

Obama: Hey, what happened to that dish of sugar cookies that my kids made? There’s only one cookie left.

Axelrod [instinctively running a finger across his mustache to eliminate any visible signs of crumbs]: Er…Sugar cookies? I didn’t see any. Did you, Eric?

Holder: Huh? Oh, I thought I saw Da…Ouch!…

Axelrod [Muttering through clenched teeth}: Sorry, Eric. Was that your ankle?

Obama: All right, all right. Forget the cookies. Let’s get down to business. David, how can we use this Arizona immigration law as a wedge issue to divide teabaggers and Republicans?

Axelrod: It might not be as easy as it sounds, sir. For example, boycott efforts by Californians may backfire, since San Diego is looking at a counter-boycott from Arizonans.

Obama: Eric, I hear that the Arizona legislation mirrors the federal law that’s been on the books for seventy years. Any truth to that?

Holder: I guess so.

Obama: You have read the Arizona bill, haven’t you?

Holder: Yeah, yeah, sure…well…no, actually. I’ve been meaning to, but I haven’t had the time. I’ve been busy dodging subpoenas on that Black Panther voter intimidation case, and researching Roget’s thesaurus for synonyms I can use in lieu of “Islamic terrorism.”

Obama: Eric, the freakin’ thing is just ten pages long.

Holder [brightening]: I did see something about it in the New York Times.

[Obama’s personal secretary knocks on the door.]

Secretary: Mr. President, Senator Specter would like to speak to you.

Obama: What?!? Who took his call? I left clear instructions that nobody was home for that loser.

Secretary: He’s not on the phone, sir; he’s in my office.

Obama [his voice sinking to a whisper]: Bismillah! Listen, go back and tell him I’ve gone out for the evening. And turn the lights off on your way out so he won’t know we’re here. Thanks. [The room is now almost completely dark]

Obama [whispering huskily]: Ok, David. You were saying about Arizona?

Axelrod [also whispering]: There’s another catch with that Arizona statute. Its backers have discovered something in the health care bill that can be used to charge us with hypocrisy.

Obama: Damn! Every time I turn around, some new horror gets discovered in that health care blob. What is it this time?

Axelrod: Well, somewhere around page 487, under “Alternate sources of funding for Medicare”, there’s a clause that gives the federal government the right to harvest the organs of illegal aliens and sell them to hospitals in the aliens’ countries of origin.

Obama: Hmmm. That’s bad.

Axelrod: It’s worse than bad, sir. The clause doesn’t technically even specify that they have to be dead, first.

Obama: Who the hell put that in there?

Axelrod: I’m not positive, but as near as I can figure, it was inserted by Jack Murtha at the suggestion of your science czar.

Obama: That idiot Pelosi! Didn’t she read the thing before it passed? I know, I know; “We have to pass it to find out what’s in it.”

Holder [in a loud voice]: I can’t hear a word you guys are saying. [He is subjected to vigorous shushing from the President and Axelrod, in unison]

Obama: Wait! If we’re sending the aliens back a kidney or lung at a time, can’t we pass that off as, you know, deportation? That might take the wind out of the sails of those right-wingers who keep accusing us of not taking action.

Axelrod: Umm…I’ll have to think that one over, sir.

[A muffled voice is heard on the other side of the door]: Miss, I’m sure I heard somebody in there! Well, I’m not leaving until I see the President!

Obama: Ok, guys, total silence. Looks like we might be here a while.

[A few seconds later, a munching noise is heard; Obama stretches his hand out in the dark, and finds the now empty plate]

Obama: All right, which one of you snagged the last cookie?

Axelrod: Mmph…Ah-ont-owe, thur.

Holder [practically shouting]: What?

Specter [Bursting into the room and switching on the lights]: Ah ha!