Saturday, October 25, 2008
In the current environment of Democratic foul-play and dirty tricks, we should ask ourselves: what would Bob Mitchum do?
Two PhD candidates from the local university are skulking in the shrubbery in front of a house which features a McCain/Palin sign planted bravely in the front yard. As soon as the lights in the house go out, the young men creep over to the sign and squat down next to it.
Chris: Ok, Dave, break out our friend, Mr. Box-cutter!
Dave: How many signs does this make tonight?
Chris: At least a dozen.
Dave: I wouldn’t have thought there were that many Republicans in the neighborhood. Stupid fascists. There! Number 13!
A flaming match flies between the two vandals, hitting the ground and sizzling in the dewy grass. Chris and Dave jerk their heads around and spring to their feet, like two fake snakes leaping from a can falsely marked “Peanuts”. A tall man wearing a trench coat and a snap-brim hat is standing a few feet away, a fresh cigarette dangling from his lower lip.
The stranger (speaking in a low, deceptively calm voice): You boys got a problem with freedom of speech?
Chris: Listen, this is our exercise of free speech.
The stranger: From where I’m standing, it looks like simple vandalism.
A quick, soft swishing noise is heard, as Dave extends the short, but razor-sharp blade of the box-cutter. The stranger smiles as he pulls a .38 revolver from the side pocket of his coat. Chris and Dave simultaneously gulp as they hear the crisp click of the hammer being pulled back; Dave’s hand opens automatically to let the box-cutter fall harmlessly to the ground.
The stranger: Don’t choke on your bubble gum, boys. You. Tear the sign in half and give a piece to your buddy.
Dave (does as he’s told, and hands half of the sign to Chris): Now what?
The stranger: Eat it.
Chris: Eat it??
The stranger: That’s right. Down the hatch, fellahs!
A few moments later, as the vandals manage to swallow the last bits of the sign, the stranger asks them a question.
The stranger: Ok, where are the rest of them?
Chris: In the trunk of our car. Wait…you don’t mean…
The stranger: Soup’s on! Let’s go.