And you might as well ignore that blue-black mole and that nagging cough

John Kerry: Let's just ignore terrorism, shall we?

Update - From Veeshir, in the comments:

Starting with the '96 election, the candidates have become progressively (pun intended) worse and worse.

If you plot the trajectory on a graph, you find that by 2024 the candidates will be a Papa John's pizza running against Wednesday.

You might get guns off the strret

But what are you going to do about the invincible ignorance and the insanely violent temperaments? A public defender describes his profession (and announces his departure from it).

Rip Van Clinton

According to a former staffer, Hillary "sleeps approximately 18 hours a day. And some days, she sleeps more."

I can now see how that three a.m. telephone call scenario is going to play out...

Ring-ring-ring!

Z-z-z-z-z-z

Ring-ring-ring!

Z-z-z-z-z-z

Ring-ring-ring!

Z-z-z...*Snort*...*Cough! Cough!*...Damned Bill!...Must've forgotten his key again...Leaning on the f***ing door bell...*Yawn*... Bastard can just sleep on the porch....

Ring-ring-ring!

Z-z-z-z-z-z

You snooze, you lose

"North Korea executed two top officials with anti-aircraft gun".

One of the unfortunates was Ri Yong-jin, a senior official in the education ministry:

Ri, according to the source, "incurred the wrath of Kim after he dozed off during a meeting presided over by Kim. He was arrested on site and intensively questioned by the state security ministry. He was executed after other charges such as corruption were found during the probe."

Good lord! I suppose if an official farts at a meeting they tie him over the mouth of a cannon.

Gag worthy

Like Plan 9 From Outer Space, only without the 10th rate special effects: Southside With You.

Future cult classic? Statistical probability = 0. Frankly, I'd rather watch a movie about Nixon's first date.

Heads up, mates

If Trump wins, Barbra Streisand plans on moving to Australia.

What you ought to do is try to interest her in swimming near the Great Barrier Reef, slathered in that well-known shark repellent, bacon fat.

Sunday funnies

Canada needs a wall. Or maybe a submarine net: "Hundreds Of Drunk Americans Washed Ashore In Canada Because Of Strong Winds".

Sometimes laziness is the mother of invention.

Here's another possible future Olympic event: mobile phone throwing.

Bad lip reading at the Democratic National Convention...



Want to play ping-pong but can't remember where you left the paddles? No problem.



(H/T: Jerry Jones and Moonbattery)